Visions of Success

I've had way too many commitments going on lately: the holiday stuff, the work stuff, the re-new my architectural license stuff, volunteer scout stuff, volunteer in the neighborhood stuff, the household visitor stuff, and the kids-are-not-in-school stuff. I've also been working on some side projects – an architecture project to be more precise – that I hoped would turn into an opportunity to leave my full-time job and venture out on my own.

It didn't pan out.

Better to find out now than later. Still... working on it was about 25 hours of work that I didn't really need on my plate this month.

As a result of this experience, I find myself thinking a lot lately about how I define success in my professional life. I want to be intellectually challenged, but not overrun by hours of work at someone else's whim. (I REALLY don't want to work for a firm that double and triple books my time.) I'd also much rather have flexibility than reliability. I'd prefer a variety of work to redundant work. I'd prefer clever, respectful co-workers over funny, dramatic, or lone wolf-types.

I'd like to choose my own poison, rather than be spoon fed it.

I would like to work on a solid computer system, because there is nothing more annoying (to me) than a slow/under-powered computer backing up to a server over the internet. I would like to work with a solid software packages that are optimally utilized, because lacking software or inadequate utilization of computer software is close second for frustration. When the computer works, when the software is available and appropriately utilized, working on my computer is almost zen-like. I'm in Flow, I'm in the Zone, I'm so happy! Sitting in front of my glowing monitor, all the chaos of my household life and three-kids-two-cats-one-au-pair melts away and I have in my computer a perfect, abstract model of a building under my control. Again: I'm so happy in this state! But when the computer stops working, or the saving takes a long time, or the internet slows down my speed, or the software isn't available: I'm miserable! I'm miserable when I don't have tools that I need to control the work that I am doing.

I'd like to hold myself and those around me to a high moral standard. It's deeply disappointing to see people in power who are manipulative, abusive, rude, or disrespectful. I don't want to support this type of person as an employee, employer, or client. I want the ability to walk away from people like this. I want to vote with my feet.

I've said (over and over and over again) that my goal is to have my own firm. Still is. It needn't be big. It can be just me and just a few projects. What is clearly not my dream, or not my version of success, is to work for a big firm and be a cog in the wheels. Is that anyone's dream? Probably not: but I do think there are a lot of people out there who would choose the security of a corporate type job to risk of being independent. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not for me.

Additionally: I can't help thinking that the state of comfortably employed as being the truly risky matter. As an architect, I spend time watching the winds of the economy. The construction industry is always the first to fall and the last to rise when the economy tanks. I've been an architect through one recession and one downturn, so I don't take their impact lightly. I wonder if it might be easier to support yourself as a sole proprietor, with little projects, in a recession? I don't know - but I do know that overhead is a significant part of architectural costs. There's also the fact that as an employee, you are ultimately dependent on a very few people's evaluation of you. Do they think you are working hard enough? Are you profitable enough for the company? How are you in comparison to the person sitting next to you? These questions will maintain or end your employment. Where as, if you work for yourself, you are likely to have a much larger pool of opinions to draw upon.

I try to paint this picture of myself – this picture of where I want to be – so that when opportunities arise to be more independent, I can pursue them. I'll get there; I know I will. It just takes time.

Meta

Last week I decided to collect all my blogging back on this blog. There wasn't a lot to be moved, but it's all here now and I feel pretty good about that. I filed the entries under the dates that they originally appeared on my other blog: 10 posts from between March 2018 and October 2018. The lesson learned it that it was not a good period of my life when I felt like I had to segment myself (including my blogging self) into pieces. If I find myself doing that again, it's a warning sign.

Work continues to be pretty intense and stressful, but the arrival of our new au pair has helped greatly to balance things out around the house. She is really doing an amazing job with the kids, and an amazing job keeping the household together. I thought that MAYBE with the kids in school full days, MAYBE it wouldn't be necessary to host an pair. But my new theory is that as long as Fritz and I continue to work full time jobs outside the home; and as long as we continue to have no helping family nearby, we will continue to host an au pair.

Long term, I still have the same goal that I've had for years and years: my own architecture firm. Going back to work after my career break confirmed it. Working in two very different offices since I've returned reaffirms it. I was telling my very good friend and mentor about this the other day: I know I need to have my own architecture firm IN MY BONES. At the same time, I'm cautious, careful, and calculating: because I ALSO know that I need to learn more and prep more before I'm ready.  I'm open to possibilities; but I'm not foolish. I'm also really, really lucky to be at my current job - with all the growth and responsibility and potential that I've been given. It's full of wonderful (albeit stressful) opportunities. I just need to make sure I keep my eye on the long term goal and strategically learn what I need for the next steps.

Dreams

When we said goodbye to our au pair, the kids were sad. The cats were sad. I was sad. The house was sad. (It immediately fell into messy chaos.) Our new au pair arrives next week. In the meantime, Fritz and I are tag teaming the day, with Fritz working very early hours and me working later hours; thus, I drop the kids off in the morning and Fritz picks the kids up after school in the afternoon. There's really nothing else to do – no other way to do it – and the only thing I can say, is that it is better than last year, when we did the same schedule, except Trixie was in school for even fewer hours.

I am so tired, internet. Work is intense; and sadly, there's a fair amount of stress for Fritz at work as well. The kids are okay, considering that they just started a new school year and lost their much loved au pair. Which is really me saying that the kids are not-so-okay. I don't know, I don't know. We might be well on our way to becoming some of those people who decide to make a radical life change: you know, the ones who sell everything and live in a camper? Or join a cult and move to a remote island in the South Pacific? Or quit their jobs and open a coffee shop on their credit cards? Or something. Right. At work, we had an informational session on our 401ks and all I could think about was how far away from here would that money get me?

Short term I cope with the stress by day dreaming on my commute about an alternative life, in a parallel universe. Even this feels a little indulgent. Today, I scolded myself for using my commute in such an irresponsible way. I should be thinking about work! Or Noah's mysterious disappearing homework! Or planning the weekend! Not daydreaming about traveling.

Then I thought maybe I could convince my subconscious to just incorporate my daydreams with my regular night dreams. Have you ever tried to control what dreams you are having? It doesn't really work for me. At least, not yet.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I dated a senior. He eventually went away to college, and, of course, we broke up, and I thought I would never see him again. My life was continuing more or less that way; ie, I never saw him. And I was so determined NOT to make myself a pest, NOT to TRY to see him, even though I really wanted to see him. So finally, months after our break up, I decided that maybe I could see him in my dreams.

I tried to bargain a bit with the universe, hoping that the universe would let me have dreams about him. Then, I started having dreams where I almost saw him... but not quite! He was there, he was close, but as soon as I caught a glimpse of him, he would disappear. Or I would open my mouth to speak to him, but then I couldn’t actually see him. This went on for years, and it was maddening, although it was just a series of dreams! In fact, every now and then - 25 odd years later, thousands of miles away from high school, he still occasionally haunts my dreams as a person present, but unseen. The frustration of dreaming about a person who you want to see, but never can; that was annoying! Continuing to dream about a person who you never really see, even when you no longer want to – I guess now he's just a symbol of unfulfilled wishes – that's just obnoxious. And it was dumb to originally think I could somehow "dream" resolution.

Which brings me back to the present, where I simultaneously feel that 1) I should be not be daydreaming and 2) night dreaming isn't an alternative and 3) maybe I should just stop the dreaming altogether and make it reality.

Fall Bits

This afternoon I found some radish under the dead tomato plants in the garden. I forgot I planted these. German Bier Garten Radish, especially for Fritz. He's been on a beer kick lately, so the timing is perfect.

At the time I planted the radish, I thought I might also share some with my then-office, because they were so unfriendly that they seemed in need of some time at a beer garden. I figured radish were a good reason to invite them to the beer garden.

(I still feel the sting of failure with regards to my old office - my desire to positively contribute was so strong - I had so many little strategies to improve the atmosphere! - but their resistance was stronger, I guess. Anyway: it *still* feels a bit like failure to me, even though I was the one to walk away. I don't walk away easily. (Hello, Almost Eight Year Old Blog, so nice to be here with you.))

We took a family trip to Ouray while the kids were on fall break. It was awesome. Awesome as in: I would live there in a heartbeat! I think I'm done with city-living. Really. You know how the trend has been for people to move back to the cities for the last 20ish years? Well, I'm ready to be part of the new trend-setters LEAVING the city.

The next photo is taken in a Colorado ghost town, Ironton. The stereotypical ghost town, in my mind, is stranded-in-the-high-desert. Ironton is more hiding-in-the-forest.

This month we've been without an au pair, but next month, we'll have a new au pair joining our family. It's been nice to have some extra time with the kids, but it's also been more stressful for Fritz and I. We are definitely looking forward to having another adult in the house.

Sequenced

This week marks the one year anniversary of going back to work after approximately 10 years at home taking care of the kids. I always try to be patient with my opinions in the midst of major life changes – but after one year, I find myself ready to talk about the transition.

I'm still glad that I decided to return to work - I don't miss the SAHM daily grind at all. For me, it was more challenging to be at home all the time than it is to leave the house and go to a job. I like the change of pace that a job provides, even though I feel like I never have enough time for all the things that need to be done. For me, being challenged is preferable to the monotony and boredom of being at home and thus working has been easier than staying at home.

That said, I have less tolerance for a lot of the nonsense that comes with having a job. Over the course of the last year I worked at two different firms - the first, for 7.5 months and the current one, for 4.5 months. The two firms couldn't be more night and day from each other.

In the first firm, I had almost no responsibility. I asked for more responsibility (Can I do this submittal? Can I put together that permit?) And I was repeatedly told no. I tried all the tricks in my bag to get more responsibility, like taking initiative for different types of work, working extra hours, presenting new ideas. All of these techniques - which have worked for me in the past, did not work at this firm. I subsequently felt blackballed and unwelcome.

Additional facts: I didn't receive a phone extension until I had been there for 6 months; my boss denied my request for business cards; I was underpaid by about $20k/year; I wasn't looped into email chains (repeatedly); I wasn't invited to or told about meetings; colleagues repeatedly claimed credit for my work; the atmosphere was unfriendly.

When I asked the owner about getting some more responsibility, he called the lack of responsibility my own fault, and accused me of not taking initiative.

Huh. Interesting. So...someone comes to you, as a last resort, and very directly says that they would like more inclusion and responsibility and YOU say they are not taking initiative. Go figure. That was the remark of a man afraid to be challenged, unwilling to be a critical thinker, and eager to shift the blame elsewhere. It was a response that greatly diminished my respect for him. When I considered it in combination with the competitive and backstabbing nature of my co-workers, I got the impression that that there was some sort of tug of war going on for the owner's attention. His words to me were essentially a recognition of this: take what you want, this office is dog eat dog, not collegial at all. All that backstabbing and tussling for attention is not my schtick, especially when the owner wasn't someone I could muster much respect for. Maybe my colleagues wanted his approval, but I didn't.

I used my "lack of initiative" to get a new job.

And as I said: that job was wasting my time, and at age 41 my time was/is too precious to be wasted.

In the second firm, I've received more responsibility than I've felt qualified to handle. Everything is fast and heavy and often I feel handicapped by slow computers and colleagues whose experience is less than mine. But I am learning SOOO MUCH. Everyday is a new challenge, and in spite of all the challenges, I absolutely love the opportunity.

On the other hand, there's a heavy dosage of young adult drama in my current office. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that most of my co-workers aren't married and don't have kids. I think getting married and having kids or even, to some extent, having a mortgage, forces you to get realistic about life in a new, prioritizing way. In this office, I've noticed that people who don't have adult responsibilities worry about stuff like: who sneezes without properly covering their mouth, or who is able to quote Mean Girls, or who went out for drinks with who last night and who made a fool of themselves at the pool. ETC. Look, I really can't bring myself to care about any of that stuff. Just: not a priority. Those concerns strike me as stuff that one can only afford to put effort into when they have too much time and too little responsibility. But it doesn't stop me from respecting my current colleagues. I both like them and I respect them, I just have to filter all their nonsense through a "still young" lens. Then I feel much better about it.

At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of each month, however, I still have one solid thought: I have to do this for myself.

I can't spend the rest of my life working for someone else's firm. I want my OWN firm. I want to make my own choices. I want to own my failures - and hopefully successes! - I look around at the other firms, and I have no appetite to work for any other firm. All firms have problems. My own firm, someday, will have problems. But I genuinely want my own set of problems. Somehow, that makes a difference to me. Also, I'm just tired, internet. I'm tired of working for men. I'm tired of these f*cked up power plays they engage in. I want a women-owned firm. I don't need to own the whole thing myself, I'd happily have partners, but I simply want the Y chromosomes, the Yarchitects, out of the power positions.

I wonder if this deep desire to have my own firm would be there if I hadn't spent the previous 10 years running the household. Perhaps there is something to be said for the independence and level of comfort in a leadership role that one develops as a SAHM. I feel my independence is compromised as someone else's employee, working outside the home. As a SAHM, I felt much more in control. I really miss that sense of control. And just to be clear: I was never a perfect, Type A, Tiger Mother. But the messes were mine, I owned them, and I liked that better.

There's also something about the time away from work that taught me that my worth and value as a human being is not solely tied to my job, or my ability to hold a job. That's a huge, liberating feeling. Once I had processed it, I was able to recognizing the things I truly wanted to do and start setting up a plan to do them on my own terms. But it's also super scary to let go of that identity that work provides and critically compare our life satisfaction to our job titles.

I still like the term "sequencing" to describe leaving the workforce to take care of children and returning to the workforce as the children grow older. As a term, it is a little antiquated, but I appreciate that it doesn't prejudice one part over the other.

I've always said I was going back to work: and this year, one year after that jump, I can proudly say that I did it. Plan: Part Two. Accomplished. Part Three: Up Next.

Thanks to what you have unleashed...

The Kavanaugh hearing on Thursday made me really angry. I believe Dr Ford. But even if I didn't believe her, I was so deeply unimpressed by Brett Kavanaugh that I was actually offended. For someone who expects to become a Supreme Court Justice, (that expectation is a problem in and of itself), he exhibited absolutely no magnanimity, no sense of the greater good, no ability to comprehend social complexity. He was defensive, little, self-centered, arrogant. The repeated refrain in his remarks, "Thanks to what you ... have unleashed," followed by some perceived HELL that had been inflicted upon him and his family was so privileged and narrow minded that I nearly threw up. This man, incapable of seeing the bigger picture and thinking beyond the ways he believes he was wronged, regardless of his guilt, is not worthy of the Supreme Court by virtue of his behavior on Thursday.

As an aside, I'm reading another book about teams, because teams are my new favorite topic. The premise of the of the book is that you can turn around any toxic team by applying five basic principles.

I really like these. In practice, I've got the first 3 down pretty well, but I'm still working on the 4th and 5th point. I wrote them all on a post-it and put them on the back of my phone case, in case I need any help remembering.

Messy Teams

Originally published on my other blog.

Traditionally, I don't delegate well. But in the last few years, I've come to understand how that can hurt me; primarily, if I'm not willing to let go of things I don'tlike, I'm not able to do the things I dolike. This is a eureka realization in my 4th decade on Earth. You don't have to delegate everything or anything - but if you delegate the tasks that you DON'T LIKE, you have more time for the tasks you DO LIKE.

When I think of delegating the stuff I'm not good at and don't like, it's much easier to let go of it. It's also easier to look around me and see those people who have complementary skills sets. Hey! Look! You are different from me! Let's be a team! You do this! I'll do that!It changed my perspective when I realized that delegation didn't have to be about overseeing someone else or letting go of stuff I loved, it could be about allowing someone else to shine at something he or she was good at. It could benefit both of us.

Delegation at its best, is teamwork.

On the other hand, there's still something to be said for choosing your path and following it through until the end. Sometimes doing the thing you want to do, DOES involve some parts that you don't like – and you have to do those not-fun parts anyway, you can't delegate! – and the privilege of doing the not-fun parts is that often you earn (or are defaulted) the right to do the fun stuff. Follow through is also about respect. If you've been there and done that, and if every single time you show up, then you earn trust from everyone: clients, consultants, contractors, and most importantly, your fellow colleagues. It's hard to build trust and respect if you don't show up. It's also hard to feel like everyone is part of the team when one member of the team is prone to walking away easily, delegating flippantly, or limiting their contribution.

In architecture, for most architects, the fun stuff typically comes in the form of design. In my 20 years in architecture, I have seen many architects who consider themselves designers attempt to do only the fun design stuff in the preliminary phase of a project, just to see their design intentions destroyed when they stopped showing up – and started issuing directives – for the boring stuff. Guess what?

There's still design in that last stretch and if you're not there, yes, someone else will take care of it.

For me, that now means that the question of design in architecture is really two complex sentiments. (A decade ago, I would have told you that the solution to good design is that you have to do it all yourself.) But now, finally, I think I am beginning to understand that great design is 1) that you follow through and give your all to a team and 2) you have to think of delegation as teamwork - and use it to make better design.

This week, with the death of Robert Venturi, I find myself thinking about teamwork in architecture – and the messiness of it – quite a bit. I was lucky to work in the offices of Venturi, Scott Brown and Associates. In those days, it was not just Bob and Denise (for whom the the firm is named) but Steve Izenour as well. It's taken a long time to absorb the lessons learned in that office. At the time, I was so young. The office was prestigious, but not cool. I couldn't appreciate the complexity of the work, because I still wanted simple, black and white answers from both life and from my architecture.

However, as time has gone by, my perspective has changed. With reflection, it would be remiss not to mention the amazing amount of collaboration and teamwork that went into the projects in the office,  All three principals brought such different perspectives and strengths to the firm. While they each managed their own projects, the diversity of the VSBA portfolio was really defined by the synergies of their three very different perspectives. Like a fine, aged wine, not only has the firm's design work grown on me, but so also has the ethos of the office during my time there.

The other day, I was explaining to a colleague what was involved in detailing the millwork for the VSBA project that I worked on, and my current colleague exclaimed, "I bet the firm didn't make any money!" Well, I have no idea about that. But the firm did produce work that was thoughtful and extraordinary and the sense of teamwork  and comaraderie was really, truly notable. And, I think, if I had the option to choose again, I would choose VSBA over a enormously profitable but highly dysfunctional office any day of the week. And if I were a client, I would absolutely pick the office with the team ethos to design my project over an office that acted like a lean, mean machine.

The Honorable Thing To Do

Lest we live in a time when holding the title Honorable doesn't mean you are.

During that time of my life, the things I did and the choices I made were not worthy of the man I would become. As I said, I do not remember the event.

However, at this time in our country, I believe it is of utmost importance to listen to the voices of the people. We need unity and patience and respect.  We need to put the interests of the country ahead of our own.

In the wake of #metoo,

In the midst of some of the most divisive politics this country has ever experienced,

In honor of many voices that will never be heard,

As an example to the people across this country who live in fear because they believe that power makes one immune and indifferent to the rules,

And as an example to the people who fear that power makes one deaf to the pleas of those without power,

I nearby withdraw my nomination.

Communicating

This evening Fritz fell asleep next to me in bed while I was still working on my lap top. His arm flopped across the keyboard, suddenly, with a such a jolt that I knew he was not merely drifting to sleep, by dropping into sleep like a rock. It was strange and funny. It also struck me as simultaneously intimate and distant. I felt so very aware of him and yet he was so profoundly unaware of me. I wondered if he often flops his arms around on me at night. Perhaps I have not noticed (in 14 years!), because, I, too, am dropping into sleep. In which case, tonight is simply one night when we are more distant than usual.

Honestly, my mind is elsewhere tonight. I'm thinking about whether I'm a negative person or cautious worrywart. I think I'm cautious, but how many perceive me as negative? Is there a difference, or is this just semantics? I wonder if my love of problem solving makes me too eager to seek out problems in the first place. I wonder about what my young co-worker said to me this week: that I'm putting too much energy into things that are beyond my control. I have more work to do than there are hours in the day, never mind finding time to be with the kids. Somehow, this orchestra which is life is not quite syncing up yet. I'm collecting all the different pieces, finally, painstakingly, but there's a lot effort in the process and still a lot dissonance in the resulting sound.

I took one of those DISC assessments for my job. The administering company said something like, this is not about your personality, this is about your communication style. Apparently, my communication style has a healthy does of skepticism and sarcasm (or negativity?!?) because I immediately thought, Yeah, right.

Anyway. I do love these assessments, whether it's Myer Briggs or Spirit Animal. Bring it on! So interesting! The data from the assessment was displayed in all sorts of ways. Basically, my strongest scores were two naturally opposing traits Dominance (D) and Stability (S). Here's the chart (about myself) that I found most intriguing:

The black circle is my "Natural Style" and the black star is my "Adapted Style." The idea is that under more stressful circumstances, we change our behavior. Apparently, I am not doing that. At first I was worried about this. Then I decided that maybe it's okay to be consistent. I still do not really know. But: interesting to ponder!

The other thing I found interesting is how close I am to the center of the circle. Sometimes bosses have described me as "Getting along with everyone." I suppose that if you are nearer the center of the circle – and this assessment is purportedly all about communication – then being close to the center of the circle would be something about communicating well with a variety of people. But I don't really think of myself as a very good communicator at all.

I think of myself as hopelessly awkward.

Then, because I like to collect more information, I googled something that said Richard Nixon had the same DISC profile circle number (57), known as the "Columbo Pattern," and people never knew what to think of him. Because he wasn't an open book or easy to read; essentially his communication style put them ill at ease. Well. That's GREAT. So, who knows? Not ME! You'd think I'd get over these assessments, especially since they always seem to compare me to some unfortunate president or presidential candidate.

In honor of completing six months at my new job, I'm planning a long weekend vacation with Fritz and the kids. I am really looking forward to it. We need some quality time together, and henceforth I hope to be much, much better at taking all my vacation time.

May You Fearlessly Stumble

The other day, I overheard a conversation. One of the two people sounded like someone I knew in the past. And hearing "his" voice, out of context and in the present, made me feel very anxious and uncomfortable.

Fritz once told me that this person – let's call him Albert – was making me behave like an abused person. I say this carefully because Albert never abused me openly. But he was an autocratic individual who had a perchance for yelling at the people around him who didn't live up to his standards. His leadership techniques included dripping with condescension, rapid firing rhetorical questions, or openly making fun of other people. Somedays, I would tell Fritz, "It was a good day today, Albert didn't yell at anyone." And that is when Fritz would tell me, "You sound like an abused person."

I didn't think I was abused at the time. But I DID know that Albert's value system was SO DIFFERENT from my own that my time within his sphere of influence would be limited. I would limit it myself, because Albert was simply NOT SOMEONE I COULD RESPECT.

Also: because I never saw myself as a victim, it was a surprise to find myself shaking to a voice that sounded like Albert's. I considered the possibility that I was actually more negatively impacted by Albert than I thought. I was, once again, grateful to be far away from Albert. 

It made me think about how many of us live in fear, and how many of us may even be living in fear without acknowledging it. I feel lucky to have had Fritz to help me keep my head on straight. It's hard to have perspective when you are so desperately trying not to stumble and attract the wrong kind of attention.

I'm also thinking about a couple of people in my life right now, who may be in the a similar position of fear. If someone is in a situation where they feel that they can't make any mistakes without repercussion, belittlement, or antagonism – how does that impact their behavior? How does it replicate itself in their other relationships? Is there a way to stop the abuse (or the bullying) without removing the bully? It's something I suddenly feel the need to research. 

Solo Bird

This weekend, the kids and I woke up very early in the morning and went to Colorado Springs to see the Labor Day Balloon Festival launch. It happened between 6:30 and 8:30 in the morning. My friend and her son came with us – which was wonderful – because I would not have had the energy to tackle this alone.

Fritz stayed home and slept. He was grouchy, as he usually is in the morning. For years, he has told me the that he can be either a morning person or a night person, as needed. But the truth of the it is, that he is not a morning person, ever. *I* am a morning person. I jump out of the bed awake and happy in the morning, no matter what time my alarm goes off. Fritz? Fritz is grumpy before 8am, he just is. Grumpy. Very grumpy. Sure, he can wake up at 5 am. But don't expect him to be happy, ever.

I get it, because I am a super grouch in the evening. If you ask me to do pretty much anything after 9pm, I am highly unpleasant about it. Just leave me alone after 9pm. I can stay awake, yes, but I won't be pleasant, no matter what.

Sometimes I think this would have been a good thing to consider before we got married. Not that it would have changed my mind about Fritz, but, you know, but I do find myself wondering what it would be like to be married to someone who is on the same natural, temporal cycle as me. It's possible that it might cramp my style. I mean, being on a different cycle gives Fritz and I some natural space from each other. On the other hand, sometimes, when I am awake before the sun rises, I look at the few neighboring windows with lights on, and I find myself wondering what it would be like to spend the early morning hours with someone rather than in solitude. I'm honestly not sure: do I like the morning because I like the solitude? Or is my love of the morning independent of the solitude? Certainly, over my years of parenting, having kids who woke/wake up early and destroy my solitude has been unwelcome.

Anyway, while I was at the festival, at the not-so-early hour of 7am , I flipped through my contacts and decided – obnoxiously! – to send some photos to those least likely to be awake at 7am in the morning. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm just a PITA sometimes. Or maybe I wanted to see how they would respond. One of my night owl friends texted back right away: "Nooooo." (Dude, turn off your text alerts!)

Fritz replied (to photos of his own children) with "Nice!" So I guess that was an okay, not too-grumpy response. But I'm pretty sure he was still happy to be at home and in bed, not watching the balloons.

I would very much like to go up in one of those balloons someday. Fortunately, Fritz will be sleeping, so there will be plenty of room for me and the kids and my other early bird friends. So it will be NOT in solitude.

Unless I get my own personal balloon like this guy:

Hmmm. Tempting.

Lull

We reached a lull in an otherwise very busy month. I decided to suspend my custom sales in the Etsy store, and as a result (I guess) I have had very few orders. Then I almost felt bored (even though I was still doing laundry and washing dishes and sweeping the floors and making lemon bars with Trixie and breaking up squirmishes between the kids) and I thought maybe I should relist my custom products on Etsy. Then I mentioned something about this to Fritz and he said "No, please, no."

And so I didn't.

But I'm not good at relaxing, so then I sat down and started to blog.

We got a new dishwasher! Our last one was almost 8 years old. Fritz had pulled it apart to fix it twice, and one time it leaked all over the wood floors and ruined them. The second time he fixed it, it was not very fixed; such that we were washing the dishes before we put them in the dishwasher. We did the math and read the Whirlpool life span reviews and decided to cut our losses and buy a new dishwasher.

Now... there are 6 people living in this house (plus 2 cats), and we really, really use that dishwasher. I wanted something that truly washed and something that would last longer than 8 years, so I decided to spend more money on a dishwasher (and I used my architect discount) and we got a Miele. I'm excited about this: because they are supposed to last, like, 20 years. And it has this cool 3rd (top) drawer for utensils. I hear LG has the same thing, but their dishwashers don't last 20 years. So we shall see. I am very hopeful. Fingers crossed. Also, I think I should take a moment to be grateful here both that I have a job such that we have money for a such a fancy dishwasher, and also, that I get discounts on such things. Before you feel any resentment about any discount I should confide: architect discounts, which are pretty prevalent for most building supplies and appliances and finishes and even furniture, still don't balance off the cost of my architect education.

Anyway.

Have I posted about the bamboo this year? I think no. Well, this year the bamboo is pretty much exactly like I always wanted it to be. So, that only took 7 years. For years, the deck felt very exposed. Like a stage. However, the bamboo is so dense and so tall this year that in combination with our other plants and trees, you can't see anybody at all walking past, even though the sidewalk is a mere 5' away from the deck. It feels wonderfully private.

The grape vines are also doing really well. We have more grapes than we can eat. The vines are trailing up and around the playhouse. The kids trained the vines to do this. It is, in fact, pretty magical in their garden space.

I've been exhausted by work lately. It's valuable stuff I'm learning, but the pace is not sustainable. I'm not sure if it's just a learning curve, or if the office itself is simply too fast paced for me.

This weekend I made about 8 new Schultüten for my Etsy store. I just.can.not.let.go of my Etsy store, even though I have less time than ever to work on it. Also: the pay is lousy. I'm much better off doing architecture.

The problem with giving up the Etsy store is: it's mine! Even though I have an official job, I just don't get the satisfaction of ownership from the day job that I get from my Etsy store. Also, the TYPE of work that I do for the Etsy store: it's sort of mindless, so I find myself thinking about other things. It's not quite that I daydream while I sew. To be honest: it's more like I'm plotting. Plotting while I iron, plotting while I zigzag, plotting as I stab pins through the fabric. Except for the part about it being the weekend and feeling like I should be doing fun stuff with the kiddos, I feel REALLY HAPPY to be making something and to be plotting while I make. And I feel happy to be more or less working alone.

I don't quite know how to resolve this: on the one hand, I love to think about building teams and finding the perfect niche for every person. On the other hand, there are so, so, so many times when I just want to be left alone to do whatever the heck it is I want to do. My need for alone time is still so great. I feel ashamed of it. I have yet to figure out how to convey to people: "No, no, thank you, I just want to be left alone," without people looking at me like I have a contagious disease.
All the kids are back home now. There are less than two weeks until they are all in school again. I think they are ready. I've been catching them playing school with the stuffed animals. It seems that happens every summer just before school starts.

The boys are visiting grandparents this week. So, it's just been one child at home. WOW! So different. I'm anxious to have all my kids back home – but I'm not looking forward to the mess that comes with all three kids.

Last month I took the plunge and hired a housecleaning service. I gave it to Fritz for Fathers Day. Ha! Actually, first: I sat down at my blog and typed (for the 10th time about how I was *thinking* of hiring a housecleaner. Then I thought to myself: stop talking about it and just do it.

And I did.

So, now we join the somewhat ridiculous ranks people of cleaning for the cleaners. Due to the boys being gone all week, the prep only took, like, 45 minutes this week. But the first week of service, we spent a whole day cleaning for the cleaners. We will see how this goes. Hopefully it will at least (somewhat) lower the level of stress this summer. Because it is definitely stressful around here.

Probably: May was a bad month to start a new job. Have I already mentioned that? Probably.

I recently planned to put pegs in a grid in Trixie's room to hang up a few of her 300 accessories. Honestly, she has more bags and hats and what-nots than me. Some family members find it irresistible to visit without bringing her another accessory. Then I got cheap and lazy about my peg grid. I used NAILS instead of pegs. It still looks pretty cute, I think. And, did I mention, cheaper?

We visited Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons this last month – it was only for about 4 days – way too fast, we will certainly need to return! We saw all the major touristy things. Yet I have the feeling there is a whole hidden Yellowstone to be discovered. The kids did pretty well with traveling so far and camping and etc. We have finally reached that golden age that everyone talks about, I suppose: where you can do things with the kids, and they can keep up, and they're not too cool to be spending time with us.

We also got to visit my brother and see his almost-finished kitchen remodel in Rhode Island. You may notice there is still protective wrapping on his appliances. And painter tape instead of cabinet handles. Good move, brother: show the kitchen to your niece and nephews BEFORE you remove the wrap. Or, you know, just leave it on there forever, like people did in the 60s and 70s with their plastic sofa covers in The Parlor. Well, honestly: the kitchen is super cool. Now, not only do I want to go live in the woods AND do yoga on a red mat in my kitchen, but I would ALSO like some fancy cabinets and shrink-wrapped appliances just like this.

Successful Teams

Originally published on my other blog.

One of the lessons I've taken away from the last few years of my life is that I can't – and I don't want to – do everything. Success comes as collaboration for me, because I have some weaknesses: I tend towards shy and awkward. I'm not as direct as I sometimes need to be. I'm a sharp thinker and problem solver, but then, people don't necessarily open up to me about their problems because of my natural disposition towards, um, both shyness and sharpness. Some things I can change and sway a bit, somethings I can get better at...but I can't be good at everything. In fact, I am always going to suck at some things. Small talk comes to mind.

Recently, I've been a little preoccupied with the idea of teams and collaboration and the question of: What makes a great team? I've seen and been part of some really crappy teams in the past year. For much of my life, I guess, I was fortunate to be on good teams. Or maybe I was so absorbed with myself and my own self-improvement that I didn't spend much time thinking about the connections around me. So when the tables turned, and I either found myself on really bad teams (or started noticing people besides myself), I started thinking A LOT about group dynamics.

This book: The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups, by Daniel Coyle, is amazing. The name is slightly off from the topic of the book. This is NOT a book about culture, this is a book about groupsand teams. Subsequently, I forget the title ALL THE TIME. I finally took a photo of the cover. And now, when I start talking about the book, I grab my phone and show the person I am talking to the cover of the book and say, "Read this! It's great."

The secret of successful groups or teams, per the The Culture Code, are feeling connected, sharing a future, and feeling safe. These seem like no-brainers, and yet, at the same time, given the speed of turnover in the corporate world in the last 20 years, one can see how it would be really difficult for many employees to feel affirmative about sharing a future and their safety in their current work situation. Those negative feelings undermine their ability to be part of a really successful team.

The book is a great resource for thinking about how to correct course. I plan to purchase my own copy: highlight it, dog-ear it, and keep it next to my desk at work – it was that good.

Cherries and Pits

This past week we added two new family members of the feline variety.

The kids are basically lining up to play with them, so there's been a moment or two in which I've thought, "We should have adopted THREE kittens!" But no. I think two will be fine.

This Father's Day artwork gift, miraculously, made it off the floor and onto the wall. I don't know how it happened, exactly, but I think there was some re-origami-ing involved.

Fritz and I have recently been watching this Spanish show on Netflix. I like it. I like the Spanish title, La Casa de Papel, so much that I haven't bothered to learn the English translated name. The English name is something like: The Heist? If you watch it, you will quickly understand why La Casa de Papel is a MUCH BETTER name.

The kids have somehow figured out how to log on to the computer (which acts as our television) without the password. I don't know how they did it. Noah told me, "We just use ctrl shift F." HUH? That makes no sense to me. I guess I have to look into it. In the meantime, changing the password worked to lock them out (again). And Fritz left them this note:

On the fourth, Mattais, Trixie and I picked cherries at my boss's house. She was kind enough to let us pick a lot AND she fed us a lovely gluten free waffle breakfast. At home, I started pitting the cherries and immediately realized just how much work it was going to be. I still made both a cherry (German) cheesecake and cherry preserves on the 4th, so all the pitting was very much worth it.

Oh Pear.

One of the issues to be resolved during my blogging absence this spring was child care. After a few weeks of Fritz and I staggering our work hours, (Fritz worked from 5am to 1pm and I worked from 9am to 6pm), so that one of us could always be taking care of the kids, things got too stressful and I made the executive decision to try an au pair again.

Our current au pair, who lives with us and helps take care of the kids, is really doing a great job. I feel so lucky to have found someone who makes it possible for me to work. As long as we live far away from our extended families, I don't know how else we could have two working parents and three kids. The amount of time and effort it takes to keep things rolling with the kids is substantial.

Last year, we weren't so lucky with our au pair situation. And it was hard to know WHAT wasn't working or even IF it wasn't working, because we had nothing to compare it to. But now that we are experiencing a much better situation, and I find myself dreading the prospect NOT having an au pair. Having a good au pair is such a huge help for us! And I like to think that he is getting a good deal, too: lots of chances to travel and explore, and practice being an adult without all the full-out responsibilities of true adulthood.

Our current au pair is only here until October, so we are already looking for another au pair. It seems like we just found this au pair, so we are not excited to be looking yet again. But I do like to think that we are getting better at the search process.

There's a lot controversy surrounding the American au pair program. Sometimes I feel sick when I read about some of the abuses (by both host families and au pairs). If anything, I'd like to see more oversight in the programs so that everyone: host families, au pairs and AGENCIES have more accountability. This is much better than hacking out problems in the form of lawsuits seeking compensation for breaches in contract. I mean: wouldn't (almost) everyone like to see the terms of employment and visa requirements fairly enforced? Is anyone going to be reasonably compensated by the lawsuit process when all is said and done? Will a lawsuit affect the law, or just kill the program altogether? But then, I guess this is not the time in history for the reasonable minds and universal ideas of fairness - with regards to anything.

Not Practical, Not Productive

For Father's Day, we had a a really lovely day of minimal productivity, but lots of emotional fulfilling activity.

Noah made Fritz this gigantic paper origami Fathers Day ninja star.

We have no idea what to do with it now. It's big enough to be a rug but fragile enough that we can't pick it up. I guess we'll leave it sitting around as floor art for a few days, and then, well...you know.

Fritz ran a half marathon. The kids were totally into it because they discovered that they could get swag. The sponsors were generous in loading the kids with swag bag items, because the kids kept giving out my phone number to be entered in raffles. Making them memorize my phone number has had it's drawbacks.

This is Trixie's pet spider. Trixie feeds her other spiders. Or other spider eat her and then we have a new pet spider. Its a pretty sad state of pet ownership around here. Maybe not so emotionally fulfilling. We're hoping to rectify the situation with some new kitten sisters next weekend.

Talking to the Void

I'm pretty sure nobody is even reading this blog anymore. Which is good. Because it makes it a lot easier to say the things I want to say. On the other hand, there's not always a lot of motivation to blog when I feel like there's no feedback from it. HMMM.

I'm still maintaining two blogs - which might be a bit of an overkill. I can't really convince myself that it's a good idea to have only one blog. I feel like my blog life should reflect my current life; that is: compartmentalized. One day I would LIKE to feel whole. I would like to feel like I can be myself without being spilt between business and personal. But I don't think I'll reach that point until I'm a business owner myself. And maybe not even then. This desire to have my own business? I think it's closely related to my desire to be whole. As long as someone else is paying my salary, I think I will continue to feel divided.

The kids are missing me a lot lately. Probably for good reason: I'm working a lot more hours, they are not in school, and, apparently, I'm feeling the stress at my new job. I went to the dentist today and they informed me that I've been chewing the inside of my cheeks. Probably at night while I sleep. I used to grind my teeth. Then I got a fancy retainer-like thing to wear. It's horrible; I hate it. So then they had me try a mouthguard. Which is better. But, instead of grinding my teeth, I was grinding the mouthguard all night long. And now, apparently, I don't grind the mouthguard, I chew up the inside of my cheeks. Nice. The dentist suggested that I start eating - I KID YOU NOT - CANDY! - when I'm feeling stressed during the day. His logic was that the nervous energy has to come out somehow; I can't internalize it until it spills forth at night while I sleep. So, if I release some endorphins while eating candy and staring at the computer screen during the day, that's a good thing.

Interesting.

I don't know about this dentist. But it's true, I don't sleep well lately.

Sometimes the kids don't sleep well, either. Trixie frequently comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Mattias is gaining weight. (Please let him grow tall/swim it off this summer.) And Noah...well, actually, he might be doing the best of all.

You know, still: I really want to do this. I want to work again. I want to have a job. I want to have THIS job, where I feel like I can learn SOOO much! I'm really happy with the opportunities I now have; I no longer feel like I am being kept in cage (like my last last job). But there's still a learning curve, it feels steep, and I'm on it.

Maybe it was a mistake to switch jobs at this point in time... maybe I should have waited until the summer was over? Maybe I should have found a time when Fritz was traveling less? Who knows. It's not worth second guessing things, and I remain proud of myself for leaving the old firm - which wasn't easy because there were some people that I really genuinely liked AND it was scary, because you never know if the next place will be better. Everywhere has problems, I guess. It's just a matter of what kind of problems you are willing to tolerate. I think. Well. Onward. Onward.

Day Care for Adults

Originally published on my other blog.

When my brother was about 24 and working for a small machining company, the owner passed away suddenly. My brother inherited/bought the company. He has now been in business for himself  with a handful or employees for almost 15 years – no small feat; I am so proud of my brother!

Before he passed away, the former owner told my brother that employing people was (more often than not) Day Care for Adults. Many times, over the years, my brother would repeat this to me while ramming his head against the wall because of some sort of employee who wasn't doing his or her job. His first successful hire was my *other* brother; probably because after 25 years of knowing each other, the familiar relationship overcame what they lacked in people-wisdom.

A few days ago, my current boss muttered the same Adult Day Care line under his breath. I've been thinking about this ever since, through the filter of 1) my years as a stay at home mom and 2) the strange position of being a "green" employee in my 40s.

In my current life situation, I find myself with younger bosses who are frequently childless. Most of them have risen to their management level by their operational success - in other words, they figured out how to get a job (or multiple jobs) done and done well. But they've rarely had the depth of interpersonal experiences to understand how to motivate PEOPLE, especially people who are different from them. They've always been in the situation of being able to walk away from people they don't like. They haven't been forced to the reckoning table by an irrational toddler who has an entirely different temperament and perspective in the middle of Target's candy aisle in a crowd. These young managers are THINGS-WISE, PEOPLE-DUMB. Like first time parents, these managers often seem to think that they will issue an edict without explanation and everyone will follow suit. They (unfortunately) don't have the patience to teach, or the flexibility to see the multiple perspectives among their employees, or even the wisdom to use employee buy-in motivationally. They are caught in a top-down, autocratic mindset which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think your employees don't need to know the information that you know, so you don't tell them anything, then you can't expect them to behave responsibly and with wisdom at the right moment.

And to return to the day care quote... if they think are running an adult day care, the problem might be they have no clue what day care really entails. The best day cares are extremely invested in empowering the children to be independent. The best day cares will teach children how to get dressed themselves, use the bathroom, write their own names, clean up after themselves, etc...whatever the case may be. The best day cares are not just a parking spot for the kids while the parents work. Or a warm place to spend a cold winter day. The best day cares find developmentally appropriate ways to talk about problems and ask the children how to solve these problems (themselves). German has a saying for this type of thinking, "Pick up (the children) where they stand." (Die Kinder) dort abholen, wo sie stehen. We want, not just children, but employees, to be invested and informed appropriately, because with understanding comes buy-in and problems are actually changed and FIXED.

But that type of strategy is far too rare in most offices. My current office has a mix of management: some who understand how to be empowering and some who are issuing edicts. Between these two types, there is not only a parent/nonparent divide but also a generational difference in how the higher up are choosing to manage. Recently, I find myself identifying and strategizing about those managers who don't have a very good handle on people skills.

I found myself pretty disappointed, in particular, at one of the managers who has a top-down mentality. I quickly began accessing my ability to either influence her into a more productive mindset or to isolate and minimize her influence on the parts of the firm that are operating in a more open, empowering manner. WHICH, BTW, IS NOT MY JOB, BUT IT IS PART OF MY BRAIN THAT DOESN'T TURN OFF. I pushed her a little bit on information sharing, to see how she would respond.

That's right; I was a toddler testing her boundaries. But then I also backed off and told her some funny stories afterwards to disarm her and, ideally, to help her to reconceptualize the stance she was taking in a non-threatening, anecodotal sort of way.

It was...manipulative. In large part, it's manipulative because I adopt a goofy awkwardness when I am doing these assessments. My awkwardness smooths almost everything over, I think; but the truth is, I know that by acting awkward and I can get more information. And I feel - not transparent, not honest. I came home and I felt bad about it. And for the 100th time I wondered 1) if I was going to get myself fired, 2) if I am ever really going to be able to work for someone else, 3) if I am really just doomed in the corporate world. I don't know.

And with all the boundary testing that I'm up to: maybe the workplace isDay Care for Adults - just not in top-down way that most people think it is.

Links

Originally published on my other blog:

What I'm reading:

"You complained exactly because you did not intend to address the grievance meaningfully". Definitely some insights for me, personally, to keep in mind.

This is who I want to be: "Even if it can be a bit scary to work with that kind of person, you know exactly what to expect – they are someone you can trust, rely on and respect."

Lateral Aggression: I have certainly participated in this. But I am also proud to say I've actively worked against it and overcome it, too. Sometimes the lateral aggression has run deep enough that I suspect the whole office culture has been irreparably damaged by an autocratic and controlling leadership.

That leads me to two thoughts I've kept coming back to the last two weeks:

Long term goal: privilege allies ahead of bosses; and

Nobody is at their best when they are angry. If I am angry, take the initiative and make a change for everyone's sake. Nobody is at their best when they are angry.

One long week

This week was amazingly long: Fritz was in Germany. I went out of town overnight to do some training for my new job. My Dad flew INTO town to help take care of the kiddos. My youngest one graduated from preschool. And I was given an incredibly frustrating project that I couldn’t complete. I missed a lot of sleep, resulting in a pretty grouchy version of myself.

The long weekend is well-timed...I will appreciate every minute of it.

Here are two thing I’ve been reading and thinking about this week:

Published a few months ago, but I keep going back to it as I think about my own sons and my own experiences. "What we need to talk about is training men to read women the way women have been trained to read men."

This week, the kids and I are trying to memorize the lyrics to Purple People Eater. Bonus: multiple lyrical parts for multiple kids! Why you might want to crank up the volume on some music with your kids.

Hope you had a good one.

Thinking

This week I am thinking about how much I appreciate having Fritz around. Without him, the kids seem needier. The days seem longer. And there's no other adult with whom I can decompress. I feel more tired than normal.

***

The kids have taken an interest in gardening this year. All those years of helping me plant and this year: it clicked. "Plants grow! We can make cool spaces and have stuff to eat with growing plants!" They've used up all my spare seeds planting a garden around the playhouse. They have strings running everywhere in hopes that the sweet peas and grape vines can be trained to make a canopy. They've created stone paths running through the mulch. It looks surprisingly...good! I don't know why it took so long for them to get to this level of play. But it's really nice to see.

***

It's so scary and so exciting to begin new things. And uncomfortable. This week is my first week at a new job and I feel...slightly bored. I mean: I love learning new things, but sometimes I wish the process was quicker. It's so rewarding to be productive and crank things out. I like to feel productive. The first week on a new job is not productive. Or at least, mine hasn't been. I think about how much I could be getting done at my old firm, and I sigh. I miss my productivity. But I don't miss the bad aura that hung over the old office. Not that I believe in auras. But then again, maybe I do.

***

I'm drinking wine tonight, before I put the kids to bed. That's unusual for me. But I have a really good wine. So that's encouraging me. It's suppose to rain all weekend. I'll be stuck in the house with three kids. That's bad. I'll be lonely, even though I'm surrounded by kids. Drink more wine, I think.

***

My former coworker is a foster mom for abandoned kittens. The kittens are adopted from her when they get old enough for adoption. Right now, she has two itty bitty kittens. Females. They get along really well. They sleep in a pile. I would like to adopt them. The kids would like to adopt them. Fritz is not on board. Maybe I just need to adopt them while he's gone. Cats might be better than wine when I'm sitting here, feeling alone.

***

Also: are we done with this school shooting problem? I am. I'm done with the guns. Like, just done. Let's get rid of them. F@#$ the second amendment and your interpretation that I disagree with. I am done. We are done. It's time to step up and be done collectively.

With It

Originally published on my other blog.

My new firm is really with it, at least relative to the last firm. Shiny, new business cards arrived on my fourth day, which seems like a million times better than my last business card experience. When I asked my last boss about business cards, he turned to his clients after a meeting and asked whether or not his employees needed business cards.

Nice.

Let us not mince words: the old boss *wanted* me to go.

Okay: over it. Life goes on.

One of the cool things, from my perspective, about starting over at a new firm is you realize just how many different ways there are to do things. I love this level of learning: where you compare one system to another system. I like to think about the pros and cons; I like the way the comparison allows me to strategize third and forth versions of operating. I think if someone looked at the choices I've made in my life, one could see this love for systems evaluation: I married a foreigner and moved abroad, I had multiple children (not just one), I've lived on three different American coasts (did you remember the third coast? Some of us forget it!), I attended two schools of architecture...and so on.

It's a challenge, though, to live this way. And the older I get, the less I want to be always challenged/challenging. I'll be happy to stay put for a while now. And so far, it really looks like I've chosen well.

Wild Cards

Every now and then, life seems to deal you some wild cards. Sometimes these come in the form of people and sometimes they come in the form of opportunities or news. Sometimes, the wild card is something that you hold in your hand, unsure how it fits in with anything else in your life, and sometimes the wild card is something you must play right away.

Fritz came into my life as a wild card. He didn't really fit my plan. We met. We were friends for about a year. We dated for a month or two, but then: I was going to grad school and leaving Portland far behind; he was heading back to Munich to take his first faculty position. On our first actual date, I was really upfront about his potential status in my life,

"Well, I'm applying to grad schools. For my masters."

"Where are you applying?"

"Harvard. Princeton. MIT."

"Oooh. What's your back up school?" he asked.

"MIT."

"Huh. Nothing close to Portland? Nothing on the West Coast?"

"No."

I just wanted him to know, as we were sitting there, on a date: he didn't fit my plan. Sure, we could go on a couple dates. But he was just a wild card.

That was, of course, before I really knew how powerful wild cards could be. I thought I had a lot of control. I thought I had everything all figured out.  I had the typical confidence of a 27 year old, and the typical lack of wisdom of a 27 year old. Oh wild cards! How they could make you shift course: move across the Atlantic, pause a career, bring three little lives into the world.

***

Then there was the Denver interview. We had been living in Munich for about 4 years. Noah was almost a year old. I'd taken a job teaching business English and was surprised to find that I not only loved teaching, but it was providing the perfect complement to my life as a first time mom. After a rough 18 months of culture shock, and what seemed like a hopeless search for work as an architect, I had STILL managed to settle in to life in Germany. I even managed to attract the attention of some Americans looking for a Munich-based architect... would it lead to anything? Who knew, but at least things were beginning to feel like they fit.

One night, Fritz came home with the news that he had a job interview in Denver. I was shocked. I didn't even know that he had applied for a job in Denver! Two years before, I would have been overjoyed. But now? After all the hard work of settling in that we had done... was I ready to walk away and move back to the States?

***

These days, when I catch whiff of a wild card, I'm cautious. Really cautious. I try to skirt away from them. Earlier in life, I grabbed those wild cards and held on tight, without so much as a second thought. But now I wonder, I really wonder...are they worth it? Do I hold the wild card, play it, or drop it? Shouldn't I just continue the path I'm on?

***

Recently, I dropped a wild card. I dropped it right down on the floor and then I stepped on it, while clamping my eyes shut. It was one of the more challenging things I've done lately. I think whenever you have an opportunity at my age (regardless of the form it comes in), you realize that passing up an opportunity is not just passing up the possible outcomes, but passing up people, adventures, and a part of yourself that could use some developing. With age, life feels more finite and you know that you are most likely passing an opportunity that will never come again. You are choosing comfort over thrill, familiarity over growth.

But then: I also grabbed a wild card: a new job, which I start tomorrow. I think that this job will be a much better fit for me. But I must confess, I'm having some pretty ambiguous feelings about starting over AGAIN. The part of me that wants to just sit still, smell the flowers, and enjoy the ride? That part of me is sulking about the transition. I talked myself into this, in part, by telling myself that this was coming anyway and it's better to just rip the bandaid off and move on. Still. Still.

Transfer

Originally published on my other blog.

Lately, I'm reading about how to quit a job. And if you are reading this blog post, it means that I've already quit my job and am proceeding forward into a new job that I've spent a lot of time chasing.

A few months ago, I was ready to leave my job and post a cautionary collection of experiences on
Glassdoor, warning any future employees of just what they might be getting into.

Now that I'm staring down the reality of resigning – and now that I'm reading all the rules about resigning – I'm getting cold feet about posting anything on Glassdoor.

If you haven't read any advice lately on how to resign from a job, here's what they say (and this is pretty universal): tell you employer first. Be grateful and thankful and focus on the positive aspects of the job in the exit interview, no matter what. Write a brief and polite resignation letter; remember it will go in your employee file. Don't tell your colleagues before your boss. Be willing to accommodate/complete office projects and train new people to take over as much as possible. Work hard until the end so that you can get a good reference, you never know when you might need to come back (for something/anything). Last impressions matter.

I've already started reframing the act of quitting in the most glowing terms possible. I started the reframing process as soon as I started applying for jobs and it's still on-going: I'm not quitting because of the misogyny. I'm quitting because I wanted more opportunities to grow. No! Wait! I'm not quitting, I'm resigning!I'm not resigning because I felt black-balled, I'm resigning because I want a more collaborative environment. Oh, oh! I'm not even resigning! Did I mention that? I'm transferring! I'm transferring into a position with more opportunities for growth and collaboration!

GAWD. Even I, myself, feel a little disgusted by how marketed I've become.

As I reframe and market myself, I can't help but wonder if I'm really doing anyone any favors. Like my colleagues. I like my colleagues. I would like to tell them personally why I am leaving. I would like to thank them - because really, if there is anyone I'm thankful for, it is my colleagues. I've heard my boss spin his own version of why past employees left and I have learned that his versions are not to be trusted. I don't really want him to speak for me... or if he is going to speak for me, I, at least, want my version to offer a check and balance in their minds. When I tell my boss that I am resigning, how quickly will he ask me to leave? I don't know. But I do know that I might not have a chance to talk to my colleagues AFTER I talk to my boss.

Also, here's the thing about burning bridges: It's a small place in the profession. I get that. But I resent the notion that I have to put up with being treated unfairly and act grateful because nobody else will hire me if I don't. I mean: oomph. In the case of this job where women were treated with repeated disrespect, the advice distills to this: Swallow, ladies. Now swallow again. Good job. You passed the test. You may stay (and continue to swallow because if you don't swallow, you're out).
Really? Is this it? Is this in my best interest? Your best interest? Or just my employer's best interest? Is this really the type of advice that is wise for our society? Or is this the type of advice that furthers inequity?

I respect the need for some discretion. I accept that we need to think before we speak.  I remind myself that the next employee, or the employee sitting next to me, may not feel the same way that I do. The remaining employees at my office, presumably, don't feel as I do. Or, at least, they don't feel as strongly as I do. I tell myself that all of this is subjective. Then, I'll put on my well-rehearsed, marketed face. And I'll keep my mouth shut.  I hope.

The Last Coffee Bean

Originally published on my other blog.

Like the straw that broke the camel's back, this is a story about how a little thing can really be the big thing that initiates action.

In my case, that little thing was coffee - and even more precisely, coffee beans.

The office has bad coffee. They've been using a single serve system that was phased out by the manufacturer years ago. This is a coffee system that *I* used in grad school, making it well over a decade old. On days when I've been feeling like the ancient one in the office, I just remind myself that the coffee machine might be older. The original manufacturer no longer makes or sells their own machines or coffee pads. The only way to obtain their single serve coffee packets is to find a third party vendor. And guess what? The third party vendor coffee is cheap and tastes terrible. I rather suspect that the third party vendor is just trying to empty out their 5-year-old stash.

The people in the office don't like the coffee. Even the person (currently) responsible for the office coffee brings in his own 20 oz coffee thermos from home. If desperate for something hot and caffeinated, someone MAY venture to drink a cup of the bad coffee. But mostly, the coffee sits unused.

The boss, perhaps, sees himself as saving money twice over, because he can both 1) buy cheap coffee and 2) nobody drinks it.

I decided that we needed better coffee. I talked to my coworkers to see what they thought. I solicited opinions about what might work better. I started to think about how better coffee everyday could be a morale boost. Not just the coffee drinking - but the smell of the coffee, the warmth of holding a cup in your hands - and the idea that everyday someone cared enough to make coffee. I suggested that we could rotate coffee vendors and run informal taste tests from week to week.

It took me a while to work up the courage to ask the boss. I suggested that I would take total responsibility. He seemed okay with the idea, and I breathed a great sigh of relief, because he has not yet been okay with any of my professional-related ideas. I figured this time, I aimed low enough. It had nothing to do with architecture, so he was going to let me do it! It was a small victory, but that was okay.  I happily started planning my new (and only!) office responsibility.

The next day, the boss was grouchy. I noticed it as soon as he came in to the office. In the early afternoon he told me that I shouldn't do the coffee plan. Until the old coffee was all used up.
Friends, there is A LOT of old coffee to be used up.

"Hmmmm..." I said. " Maybe we can donate the old coffee and coffee maker to a homeless shelter?"

"Why?" he asked me, "Did you already buy the coffee?"

"No..."

"Well, it's a lot of work to donate the old coffee. The machine would have to be really thoroughly cleaned. Like with vinegar and water and everything."

Um. I have three kids. Cleaning a coffee pot with vinegar and water is NOT a big deal. But I didn't argue, because something told me that the work of cleaning the pot wasn't the point. I DID wonder why the hell my boss was being such an obstructionist.

One of my co-workers decided to start taking the coffee home to be "used up" quicker. I thought of doing this, too. But:

AM I FORTY-ONE YEARS OLD OR WHAT? I AM NOT GOING TO SNEAK HOME COFFEE PADS TO THROW THEM AWAY IN THE TRASH *JUST* TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING NICE (IE, MAKE COFFEE) FOR MY COLLEAGUES!

I mean, WTF?!?

It's all about control with this boss. It is ALL about control: the professional slights which land on all sort of people, the grouchy attitude, the flow of coffee. But it just so happens that controlling the bad coffee is the item to really break my patience. I could do mental gymnastics around the other things: maybe I didn't really understand the professional situation, maybe I said something at the wrong time or in the wrong way. Maybe my design skills are not as great as his. But when a simple act, like making coffee for my fellow co-workers, became an act to be controlled, I knew I needed to start sending out resumes.

Endorsed By...

Originally published on my other blog.

Me. Or not.

Right now, as my office is busily looking for its next hire, the woman-denigrator-in-chief has decided to hire another female.

At first, I was annoyed that women WEREN'T being hired. But now that the upper levels of the office have been stacked with men, it appears that some young, fresh out of school female intern will be added (at the bottom). The woman-denigrator-in-chief talks about all the women from the far flung corners of the United States who are just dying to come to our office. To myself, I snort, thinking that this is only because they're not here on the local scene to know catch a whiff of the truth.

What is bothering me intensely is that my name and my accolades sit there on the office website, like some sort of endorsement of the office. I remember when I was a young intern, I looked for offices with strong females. I looked for a certain level of education and age of the female employees. In short, I looked for older, accomplished women who could be my mentor. My current bio is notdifferent from what I looked for when I was fresh out of school. I figured if I admired the resume of the women at the office, it couldn't be a bad place for other women, right?

In this case, that answer would be WRONG.

It's really, really bothering me. I've faced relentless discrimination and belittling in this office...that wouldn't hold up in any sort of lawsuit. Another female – no longer with the firm – left suddenly and collected a "severance package" after only one year at the firm. That's the type thing I worry about more. Why does one collect a severance package, especially if one leaves suddenly after a year?

The men in my life remind me that the severance package story is not my story to tell. But I'll tell you what: as soon as I get out of this office, I will be leaving a very pointed review on Glassdoor, detailing my own experience. And if I could leave something on the "Shitty Architecture Men" list – or find its mirror – I'd do that, too.

It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Playlists

Originally publicized on my other blog.

Lately, I have been making playlists of music. I'm trying to make playlists that tell stories.

There's an interview by Terry Gross with Lin-Manual Miranda. In the interview, Miranda talks about making mix tapes in his youth. Being about the same age as he is, I suppose, I also have fond memories of the mix tapes that were made for me. But I never made mix tapes myself. I always wondered just how much I should read into mix tapes that were given to me. One boyfriend made me a mix tape with They Might Be Giant's Lucky Ball and Chain, and I was like, WHAT? Are you telling me something? (We didn't last much longer; and I am SO NOT a ball and chain. Please! I'm, like, SUPER low maintenance.)

The other thing that inspired this new activity is that I've noticed how directly impacted I am by what I am hearing. Ever since our middle child was born, I've realized how my concentration or mood can be influenced by the noise surrounding me. Since I started working, and listening at work, I've noticed how some music makes me focus better - and some music makes me angry - and some podcasts are just way too distracting to listen to.

Anyway. Playlists are fun! Fussing around them in digital form is really a user-friendly experience.

How have I missed out on this technology for the last two decades? I'm also really surprised how hard it is to make a great playlist, even WITH digital technology. I've started testing my playlists out on other people...just, you know, casually feeding them via bluetooth into the car radio when I have a captive audience. It's fun to see how people react...do they sing along subconsciously? Do they ardently ignore what's playing? Does the playlist seem to impact our conversations?

Discrimination

This post originally appeared on my other blog. 

Today, there was a coordination meeting in my office. All the people at the meeting were men. And then, about 5 minutes after the meeting started, a woman showed up. She sat down at the table and apologized for being late. The meeting continued. The men in the room did not even acknowledge her for another 10 minutes. After 10 minutes of "coordinating" among themselves, they asked who she was and who she was representing.

If it were me, I would have been enormously pissed off. I mean: maybe she should have introduced herself as well as apologizing for being late. BUT. Really? Not a single one of the five men in the room had the grace and manners to acknowledge her for 10 minutes? Really?

She was notably brisk and succinct when they finally turned their attention to her and asked who she was. (I would have been, too.) She did not make chit chat, and she did not stay for longer than it took for her to finish her coordination. She made a dismissive remark as she finished: "Well...we will get our drawings to you and then you can edit out all our really cool ideas."

Ouch. But I hear you, sister. I hear you. Did this happen because the tardy consultant was female? Not necessarily, but it does fit a pattern of behavior towards women in my office.

Also: whether it was gender discrimination or not, I am thoroughly embarrassed by the oaf-en behavior in my office. More than that, it is seriously dragging me down, too.

When I started at the office my goals were: learn the latest architecture software, learn whatever I can from my colleagues, and, in this particular office: improve the quality of the design, so that I could be proud of the projects I was working on.

But then, I started to think there were bigger, structural problems than simply improving the quality of the design.

I started to notice the negative patterns of treatment with regards to women. It was in the way that women clients were talked to. It was in the way our female consultants were referred to. It was in the way the women in the office were not given opportunities. It was in the job applicants who were interviewed and who were not. It was in the jokes that were shared. The office could be like a locker room. A real good old boys club. I've not experienced this before in architecture, or certainly not to this extent. Maybe I've just been lucky. Or maybe it's this office. I prefer to think it's this particular office – and not some newly woke me. I've always been a feminist; I was only about 2 classes short of an official double major in feminism in college.

Then, I thought, well... I will lead by example. We will clean up this locker room. I ditched my feminine clothes for slacks and button down shirts such that it would be really, really clear that I was at work to WORK. (So Gen X, I know!)  If one of the guys was spending too much time adjusting himself, then I kept careful eye contact, but raised my eyebrows. That's a mom trick, by the way. I shouldn't have to use it on a mid 30s career professional, but it works on them almost better than on a 10 year old.

I also started to work on improving the basic manners in the office. Like, it's nice to greet someone with hello and goodbye. When someone sneezes, say bless you. Say excuse me when you get in someone's way. Say please and thank you. None of these simple things were occurring. That's just weird, right?

That meeting? Obviously, there's still a big way to go. But sometimes I think that what I have cleaned up has come at the price of some male colleagues feeling particularly threatened by me.

I started researching discrimination in the workplace and what can be done about it. I started documenting the patterns I observed. But from what I've read, and what I've experienced this far, I'm pretty sure there is almost nothing that can be done. I'm sure there's a pattern, but how long do I really want to spend documenting it, you know? And to what end? Also, I saw my own anger reflected in the woman at the coordination meeting. She handled the situation well given the awkwardness of it – you understand, I am NOT FAULTING HER A BIT – but I just don't want to live my life with 4o hours a week that make me angry. I sincerely hope that when she got back to her office, she was able to speak openly about her bad experience with an office full of wise colleagues. And I hope that bad taste in her mouth was weakened considerably. I know that I'm not at my best when I am angry.

What did Uma Thurman say about Harvey Weinstein? "And I have learned that when I've spoken in anger, I usually regret the way I express myself. So, I've been waiting to feel less angry, and when I'm ready, I'll say what I have to say."

Right. So well said. Naturally, I am not taking about sexual assault here, but I am talking about something that looks an awful lot like gender discrimination, and this is how I feel about it. I hate to speak when I am angry. But I AM ANGRY. And I also dislike saying nothing.