Oh Pear.

One of the issues to be resolved during my blogging absence this spring was child care. After a few weeks of Fritz and I staggering our work hours, (Fritz worked from 5am to 1pm and I worked from 9am to 6pm), so that one of us could always be taking care of the kids, things got too stressful and I made the executive decision to try an au pair again.

Our current au pair, who lives with us and helps take care of the kids, is really doing a great job. I feel so lucky to have found someone who makes it possible for me to work. As long as we live far away from our extended families, I don't know how else we could have two working parents and three kids. The amount of time and effort it takes to keep things rolling with the kids is substantial.

Last year, we weren't so lucky with our au pair situation. And it was hard to know WHAT wasn't working or even IF it wasn't working, because we had nothing to compare it to. But now that we are experiencing a much better situation, and I find myself dreading the prospect NOT having an au pair. Having a good au pair is such a huge help for us! And I like to think that he is getting a good deal, too: lots of chances to travel and explore, and practice being an adult without all the full-out responsibilities of true adulthood.

Our current au pair is only here until October, so we are already looking for another au pair. It seems like we just found this au pair, so we are not excited to be looking yet again. But I do like to think that we are getting better at the search process.

There's a lot controversy surrounding the American au pair program. Sometimes I feel sick when I read about some of the abuses (by both host families and au pairs). If anything, I'd like to see more oversight in the programs so that everyone: host families, au pairs and AGENCIES have more accountability. This is much better than hacking out problems in the form of lawsuits seeking compensation for breaches in contract. I mean: wouldn't (almost) everyone like to see the terms of employment and visa requirements fairly enforced? Is anyone going to be reasonably compensated by the lawsuit process when all is said and done? Will a lawsuit affect the law, or just kill the program altogether? But then, I guess this is not the time in history for the reasonable minds and universal ideas of fairness - with regards to anything.

Not Practical, Not Productive

For Father's Day, we had a a really lovely day of minimal productivity, but lots of emotional fulfilling activity.

Noah made Fritz this gigantic paper origami Fathers Day ninja star.

We have no idea what to do with it now. It's big enough to be a rug but fragile enough that we can't pick it up. I guess we'll leave it sitting around as floor art for a few days, and then, well...you know.

Fritz ran a half marathon. The kids were totally into it because they discovered that they could get swag. The sponsors were generous in loading the kids with swag bag items, because the kids kept giving out my phone number to be entered in raffles. Making them memorize my phone number has had it's drawbacks.

This is Trixie's pet spider. Trixie feeds her other spiders. Or other spider eat her and then we have a new pet spider. Its a pretty sad state of pet ownership around here. Maybe not so emotionally fulfilling. We're hoping to rectify the situation with some new kitten sisters next weekend.

Talking to the Void

I'm pretty sure nobody is even reading this blog anymore. Which is good. Because it makes it a lot easier to say the things I want to say. On the other hand, there's not always a lot of motivation to blog when I feel like there's no feedback from it. HMMM.

I'm still maintaining two blogs - which might be a bit of an overkill. I can't really convince myself that it's a good idea to have only one blog. I feel like my blog life should reflect my current life; that is: compartmentalized. One day I would LIKE to feel whole. I would like to feel like I can be myself without being spilt between business and personal. But I don't think I'll reach that point until I'm a business owner myself. And maybe not even then. This desire to have my own business? I think it's closely related to my desire to be whole. As long as someone else is paying my salary, I think I will continue to feel divided.

The kids are missing me a lot lately. Probably for good reason: I'm working a lot more hours, they are not in school, and, apparently, I'm feeling the stress at my new job. I went to the dentist today and they informed me that I've been chewing the inside of my cheeks. Probably at night while I sleep. I used to grind my teeth. Then I got a fancy retainer-like thing to wear. It's horrible; I hate it. So then they had me try a mouthguard. Which is better. But, instead of grinding my teeth, I was grinding the mouthguard all night long. And now, apparently, I don't grind the mouthguard, I chew up the inside of my cheeks. Nice. The dentist suggested that I start eating - I KID YOU NOT - CANDY! - when I'm feeling stressed during the day. His logic was that the nervous energy has to come out somehow; I can't internalize it until it spills forth at night while I sleep. So, if I release some endorphins while eating candy and staring at the computer screen during the day, that's a good thing.

Interesting.

I don't know about this dentist. But it's true, I don't sleep well lately.

Sometimes the kids don't sleep well, either. Trixie frequently comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Mattias is gaining weight. (Please let him grow tall/swim it off this summer.) And Noah...well, actually, he might be doing the best of all.

You know, still: I really want to do this. I want to work again. I want to have a job. I want to have THIS job, where I feel like I can learn SOOO much! I'm really happy with the opportunities I now have; I no longer feel like I am being kept in cage (like my last last job). But there's still a learning curve, it feels steep, and I'm on it.

Maybe it was a mistake to switch jobs at this point in time... maybe I should have waited until the summer was over? Maybe I should have found a time when Fritz was traveling less? Who knows. It's not worth second guessing things, and I remain proud of myself for leaving the old firm - which wasn't easy because there were some people that I really genuinely liked AND it was scary, because you never know if the next place will be better. Everywhere has problems, I guess. It's just a matter of what kind of problems you are willing to tolerate. I think. Well. Onward. Onward.

Day Care for Adults

Originally published on my other blog.

When my brother was about 24 and working for a small machining company, the owner passed away suddenly. My brother inherited/bought the company. He has now been in business for himself  with a handful or employees for almost 15 years – no small feat; I am so proud of my brother!

Before he passed away, the former owner told my brother that employing people was (more often than not) Day Care for Adults. Many times, over the years, my brother would repeat this to me while ramming his head against the wall because of some sort of employee who wasn't doing his or her job. His first successful hire was my *other* brother; probably because after 25 years of knowing each other, the familiar relationship overcame what they lacked in people-wisdom.

A few days ago, my current boss muttered the same Adult Day Care line under his breath. I've been thinking about this ever since, through the filter of 1) my years as a stay at home mom and 2) the strange position of being a "green" employee in my 40s.

In my current life situation, I find myself with younger bosses who are frequently childless. Most of them have risen to their management level by their operational success - in other words, they figured out how to get a job (or multiple jobs) done and done well. But they've rarely had the depth of interpersonal experiences to understand how to motivate PEOPLE, especially people who are different from them. They've always been in the situation of being able to walk away from people they don't like. They haven't been forced to the reckoning table by an irrational toddler who has an entirely different temperament and perspective in the middle of Target's candy aisle in a crowd. These young managers are THINGS-WISE, PEOPLE-DUMB. Like first time parents, these managers often seem to think that they will issue an edict without explanation and everyone will follow suit. They (unfortunately) don't have the patience to teach, or the flexibility to see the multiple perspectives among their employees, or even the wisdom to use employee buy-in motivationally. They are caught in a top-down, autocratic mindset which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think your employees don't need to know the information that you know, so you don't tell them anything, then you can't expect them to behave responsibly and with wisdom at the right moment.

And to return to the day care quote... if they think are running an adult day care, the problem might be they have no clue what day care really entails. The best day cares are extremely invested in empowering the children to be independent. The best day cares will teach children how to get dressed themselves, use the bathroom, write their own names, clean up after themselves, etc...whatever the case may be. The best day cares are not just a parking spot for the kids while the parents work. Or a warm place to spend a cold winter day. The best day cares find developmentally appropriate ways to talk about problems and ask the children how to solve these problems (themselves). German has a saying for this type of thinking, "Pick up (the children) where they stand." (Die Kinder) dort abholen, wo sie stehen. We want, not just children, but employees, to be invested and informed appropriately, because with understanding comes buy-in and problems are actually changed and FIXED.

But that type of strategy is far too rare in most offices. My current office has a mix of management: some who understand how to be empowering and some who are issuing edicts. Between these two types, there is not only a parent/nonparent divide but also a generational difference in how the higher up are choosing to manage. Recently, I find myself identifying and strategizing about those managers who don't have a very good handle on people skills.

I found myself pretty disappointed, in particular, at one of the managers who has a top-down mentality. I quickly began accessing my ability to either influence her into a more productive mindset or to isolate and minimize her influence on the parts of the firm that are operating in a more open, empowering manner. WHICH, BTW, IS NOT MY JOB, BUT IT IS PART OF MY BRAIN THAT DOESN'T TURN OFF. I pushed her a little bit on information sharing, to see how she would respond.

That's right; I was a toddler testing her boundaries. But then I also backed off and told her some funny stories afterwards to disarm her and, ideally, to help her to reconceptualize the stance she was taking in a non-threatening, anecodotal sort of way.

It was...manipulative. In large part, it's manipulative because I adopt a goofy awkwardness when I am doing these assessments. My awkwardness smooths almost everything over, I think; but the truth is, I know that by acting awkward and I can get more information. And I feel - not transparent, not honest. I came home and I felt bad about it. And for the 100th time I wondered 1) if I was going to get myself fired, 2) if I am ever really going to be able to work for someone else, 3) if I am really just doomed in the corporate world. I don't know.

And with all the boundary testing that I'm up to: maybe the workplace isDay Care for Adults - just not in top-down way that most people think it is.

Links

Originally published on my other blog:

What I'm reading:

"You complained exactly because you did not intend to address the grievance meaningfully". Definitely some insights for me, personally, to keep in mind.

This is who I want to be: "Even if it can be a bit scary to work with that kind of person, you know exactly what to expect – they are someone you can trust, rely on and respect."

Lateral Aggression: I have certainly participated in this. But I am also proud to say I've actively worked against it and overcome it, too. Sometimes the lateral aggression has run deep enough that I suspect the whole office culture has been irreparably damaged by an autocratic and controlling leadership.

That leads me to two thoughts I've kept coming back to the last two weeks:

Long term goal: privilege allies ahead of bosses; and

Nobody is at their best when they are angry. If I am angry, take the initiative and make a change for everyone's sake. Nobody is at their best when they are angry.