It didn't pan out.
Better to find out now than later. Still... working on it was about 25 hours of work that I didn't really need on my plate this month.
As a result of this experience, I find myself thinking a lot lately about how I define success in my professional life. I want to be intellectually challenged, but not overrun by hours of work at someone else's whim. (I REALLY don't want to work for a firm that double and triple books my time.) I'd also much rather have flexibility than reliability. I'd prefer a variety of work to redundant work. I'd prefer clever, respectful co-workers over funny, dramatic, or lone wolf-types.
I'd like to choose my own poison, rather than be spoon fed it.
I would like to work on a solid computer system, because there is nothing more annoying (to me) than a slow/under-powered computer backing up to a server over the internet. I would like to work with a solid software packages that are optimally utilized, because lacking software or inadequate utilization of computer software is close second for frustration. When the computer works, when the software is available and appropriately utilized, working on my computer is almost zen-like. I'm in Flow, I'm in the Zone, I'm so happy! Sitting in front of my glowing monitor, all the chaos of my household life and three-kids-two-cats-one-au-pair melts away and I have in my computer a perfect, abstract model of a building under my control. Again: I'm so happy in this state! But when the computer stops working, or the saving takes a long time, or the internet slows down my speed, or the software isn't available: I'm miserable! I'm miserable when I don't have tools that I need to control the work that I am doing.
I'd like to hold myself and those around me to a high moral standard. It's deeply disappointing to see people in power who are manipulative, abusive, rude, or disrespectful. I don't want to support this type of person as an employee, employer, or client. I want the ability to walk away from people like this. I want to vote with my feet.
I've said (over and over and over again) that my goal is to have my own firm. Still is. It needn't be big. It can be just me and just a few projects. What is clearly not my dream, or not my version of success, is to work for a big firm and be a cog in the wheels. Is that anyone's dream? Probably not: but I do think there are a lot of people out there who would choose the security of a corporate type job to risk of being independent. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not for me.
Additionally: I can't help thinking that the state of comfortably employed as being the truly risky matter. As an architect, I spend time watching the winds of the economy. The construction industry is always the first to fall and the last to rise when the economy tanks. I've been an architect through one recession and one downturn, so I don't take their impact lightly. I wonder if it might be easier to support yourself as a sole proprietor, with little projects, in a recession? I don't know - but I do know that overhead is a significant part of architectural costs. There's also the fact that as an employee, you are ultimately dependent on a very few people's evaluation of you. Do they think you are working hard enough? Are you profitable enough for the company? How are you in comparison to the person sitting next to you? These questions will maintain or end your employment. Where as, if you work for yourself, you are likely to have a much larger pool of opinions to draw upon.
I try to paint this picture of myself – this picture of where I want to be – so that when opportunities arise to be more independent, I can pursue them. I'll get there; I know I will. It just takes time.
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