Sequenced

This week marks the one year anniversary of going back to work after approximately 10 years at home taking care of the kids. I always try to be patient with my opinions in the midst of major life changes – but after one year, I find myself ready to talk about the transition.

I'm still glad that I decided to return to work - I don't miss the SAHM daily grind at all. For me, it was more challenging to be at home all the time than it is to leave the house and go to a job. I like the change of pace that a job provides, even though I feel like I never have enough time for all the things that need to be done. For me, being challenged is preferable to the monotony and boredom of being at home and thus working has been easier than staying at home.

That said, I have less tolerance for a lot of the nonsense that comes with having a job. Over the course of the last year I worked at two different firms - the first, for 7.5 months and the current one, for 4.5 months. The two firms couldn't be more night and day from each other.

In the first firm, I had almost no responsibility. I asked for more responsibility (Can I do this submittal? Can I put together that permit?) And I was repeatedly told no. I tried all the tricks in my bag to get more responsibility, like taking initiative for different types of work, working extra hours, presenting new ideas. All of these techniques - which have worked for me in the past, did not work at this firm. I subsequently felt blackballed and unwelcome.

Additional facts: I didn't receive a phone extension until I had been there for 6 months; my boss denied my request for business cards; I was underpaid by about $20k/year; I wasn't looped into email chains (repeatedly); I wasn't invited to or told about meetings; colleagues repeatedly claimed credit for my work; the atmosphere was unfriendly.

When I asked the owner about getting some more responsibility, he called the lack of responsibility my own fault, and accused me of not taking initiative.

Huh. Interesting. So...someone comes to you, as a last resort, and very directly says that they would like more inclusion and responsibility and YOU say they are not taking initiative. Go figure. That was the remark of a man afraid to be challenged, unwilling to be a critical thinker, and eager to shift the blame elsewhere. It was a response that greatly diminished my respect for him. When I considered it in combination with the competitive and backstabbing nature of my co-workers, I got the impression that that there was some sort of tug of war going on for the owner's attention. His words to me were essentially a recognition of this: take what you want, this office is dog eat dog, not collegial at all. All that backstabbing and tussling for attention is not my schtick, especially when the owner wasn't someone I could muster much respect for. Maybe my colleagues wanted his approval, but I didn't.

I used my "lack of initiative" to get a new job.

And as I said: that job was wasting my time, and at age 41 my time was/is too precious to be wasted.

In the second firm, I've received more responsibility than I've felt qualified to handle. Everything is fast and heavy and often I feel handicapped by slow computers and colleagues whose experience is less than mine. But I am learning SOOO MUCH. Everyday is a new challenge, and in spite of all the challenges, I absolutely love the opportunity.

On the other hand, there's a heavy dosage of young adult drama in my current office. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that most of my co-workers aren't married and don't have kids. I think getting married and having kids or even, to some extent, having a mortgage, forces you to get realistic about life in a new, prioritizing way. In this office, I've noticed that people who don't have adult responsibilities worry about stuff like: who sneezes without properly covering their mouth, or who is able to quote Mean Girls, or who went out for drinks with who last night and who made a fool of themselves at the pool. ETC. Look, I really can't bring myself to care about any of that stuff. Just: not a priority. Those concerns strike me as stuff that one can only afford to put effort into when they have too much time and too little responsibility. But it doesn't stop me from respecting my current colleagues. I both like them and I respect them, I just have to filter all their nonsense through a "still young" lens. Then I feel much better about it.

At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of each month, however, I still have one solid thought: I have to do this for myself.

I can't spend the rest of my life working for someone else's firm. I want my OWN firm. I want to make my own choices. I want to own my failures - and hopefully successes! - I look around at the other firms, and I have no appetite to work for any other firm. All firms have problems. My own firm, someday, will have problems. But I genuinely want my own set of problems. Somehow, that makes a difference to me. Also, I'm just tired, internet. I'm tired of working for men. I'm tired of these f*cked up power plays they engage in. I want a women-owned firm. I don't need to own the whole thing myself, I'd happily have partners, but I simply want the Y chromosomes, the Yarchitects, out of the power positions.

I wonder if this deep desire to have my own firm would be there if I hadn't spent the previous 10 years running the household. Perhaps there is something to be said for the independence and level of comfort in a leadership role that one develops as a SAHM. I feel my independence is compromised as someone else's employee, working outside the home. As a SAHM, I felt much more in control. I really miss that sense of control. And just to be clear: I was never a perfect, Type A, Tiger Mother. But the messes were mine, I owned them, and I liked that better.

There's also something about the time away from work that taught me that my worth and value as a human being is not solely tied to my job, or my ability to hold a job. That's a huge, liberating feeling. Once I had processed it, I was able to recognizing the things I truly wanted to do and start setting up a plan to do them on my own terms. But it's also super scary to let go of that identity that work provides and critically compare our life satisfaction to our job titles.

I still like the term "sequencing" to describe leaving the workforce to take care of children and returning to the workforce as the children grow older. As a term, it is a little antiquated, but I appreciate that it doesn't prejudice one part over the other.

I've always said I was going back to work: and this year, one year after that jump, I can proudly say that I did it. Plan: Part Two. Accomplished. Part Three: Up Next.