Talking to the Void

I'm pretty sure nobody is even reading this blog anymore. Which is good. Because it makes it a lot easier to say the things I want to say. On the other hand, there's not always a lot of motivation to blog when I feel like there's no feedback from it. HMMM.

I'm still maintaining two blogs - which might be a bit of an overkill. I can't really convince myself that it's a good idea to have only one blog. I feel like my blog life should reflect my current life; that is: compartmentalized. One day I would LIKE to feel whole. I would like to feel like I can be myself without being spilt between business and personal. But I don't think I'll reach that point until I'm a business owner myself. And maybe not even then. This desire to have my own business? I think it's closely related to my desire to be whole. As long as someone else is paying my salary, I think I will continue to feel divided.

The kids are missing me a lot lately. Probably for good reason: I'm working a lot more hours, they are not in school, and, apparently, I'm feeling the stress at my new job. I went to the dentist today and they informed me that I've been chewing the inside of my cheeks. Probably at night while I sleep. I used to grind my teeth. Then I got a fancy retainer-like thing to wear. It's horrible; I hate it. So then they had me try a mouthguard. Which is better. But, instead of grinding my teeth, I was grinding the mouthguard all night long. And now, apparently, I don't grind the mouthguard, I chew up the inside of my cheeks. Nice. The dentist suggested that I start eating - I KID YOU NOT - CANDY! - when I'm feeling stressed during the day. His logic was that the nervous energy has to come out somehow; I can't internalize it until it spills forth at night while I sleep. So, if I release some endorphins while eating candy and staring at the computer screen during the day, that's a good thing.

Interesting.

I don't know about this dentist. But it's true, I don't sleep well lately.

Sometimes the kids don't sleep well, either. Trixie frequently comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Mattias is gaining weight. (Please let him grow tall/swim it off this summer.) And Noah...well, actually, he might be doing the best of all.

You know, still: I really want to do this. I want to work again. I want to have a job. I want to have THIS job, where I feel like I can learn SOOO much! I'm really happy with the opportunities I now have; I no longer feel like I am being kept in cage (like my last last job). But there's still a learning curve, it feels steep, and I'm on it.

Maybe it was a mistake to switch jobs at this point in time... maybe I should have waited until the summer was over? Maybe I should have found a time when Fritz was traveling less? Who knows. It's not worth second guessing things, and I remain proud of myself for leaving the old firm - which wasn't easy because there were some people that I really genuinely liked AND it was scary, because you never know if the next place will be better. Everywhere has problems, I guess. It's just a matter of what kind of problems you are willing to tolerate. I think. Well. Onward. Onward.