Discrimination

This post originally appeared on my other blog. 

Today, there was a coordination meeting in my office. All the people at the meeting were men. And then, about 5 minutes after the meeting started, a woman showed up. She sat down at the table and apologized for being late. The meeting continued. The men in the room did not even acknowledge her for another 10 minutes. After 10 minutes of "coordinating" among themselves, they asked who she was and who she was representing.

If it were me, I would have been enormously pissed off. I mean: maybe she should have introduced herself as well as apologizing for being late. BUT. Really? Not a single one of the five men in the room had the grace and manners to acknowledge her for 10 minutes? Really?

She was notably brisk and succinct when they finally turned their attention to her and asked who she was. (I would have been, too.) She did not make chit chat, and she did not stay for longer than it took for her to finish her coordination. She made a dismissive remark as she finished: "Well...we will get our drawings to you and then you can edit out all our really cool ideas."

Ouch. But I hear you, sister. I hear you. Did this happen because the tardy consultant was female? Not necessarily, but it does fit a pattern of behavior towards women in my office.

Also: whether it was gender discrimination or not, I am thoroughly embarrassed by the oaf-en behavior in my office. More than that, it is seriously dragging me down, too.

When I started at the office my goals were: learn the latest architecture software, learn whatever I can from my colleagues, and, in this particular office: improve the quality of the design, so that I could be proud of the projects I was working on.

But then, I started to think there were bigger, structural problems than simply improving the quality of the design.

I started to notice the negative patterns of treatment with regards to women. It was in the way that women clients were talked to. It was in the way our female consultants were referred to. It was in the way the women in the office were not given opportunities. It was in the job applicants who were interviewed and who were not. It was in the jokes that were shared. The office could be like a locker room. A real good old boys club. I've not experienced this before in architecture, or certainly not to this extent. Maybe I've just been lucky. Or maybe it's this office. I prefer to think it's this particular office – and not some newly woke me. I've always been a feminist; I was only about 2 classes short of an official double major in feminism in college.

Then, I thought, well... I will lead by example. We will clean up this locker room. I ditched my feminine clothes for slacks and button down shirts such that it would be really, really clear that I was at work to WORK. (So Gen X, I know!)  If one of the guys was spending too much time adjusting himself, then I kept careful eye contact, but raised my eyebrows. That's a mom trick, by the way. I shouldn't have to use it on a mid 30s career professional, but it works on them almost better than on a 10 year old.

I also started to work on improving the basic manners in the office. Like, it's nice to greet someone with hello and goodbye. When someone sneezes, say bless you. Say excuse me when you get in someone's way. Say please and thank you. None of these simple things were occurring. That's just weird, right?

That meeting? Obviously, there's still a big way to go. But sometimes I think that what I have cleaned up has come at the price of some male colleagues feeling particularly threatened by me.

I started researching discrimination in the workplace and what can be done about it. I started documenting the patterns I observed. But from what I've read, and what I've experienced this far, I'm pretty sure there is almost nothing that can be done. I'm sure there's a pattern, but how long do I really want to spend documenting it, you know? And to what end? Also, I saw my own anger reflected in the woman at the coordination meeting. She handled the situation well given the awkwardness of it – you understand, I am NOT FAULTING HER A BIT – but I just don't want to live my life with 4o hours a week that make me angry. I sincerely hope that when she got back to her office, she was able to speak openly about her bad experience with an office full of wise colleagues. And I hope that bad taste in her mouth was weakened considerably. I know that I'm not at my best when I am angry.

What did Uma Thurman say about Harvey Weinstein? "And I have learned that when I've spoken in anger, I usually regret the way I express myself. So, I've been waiting to feel less angry, and when I'm ready, I'll say what I have to say."

Right. So well said. Naturally, I am not taking about sexual assault here, but I am talking about something that looks an awful lot like gender discrimination, and this is how I feel about it. I hate to speak when I am angry. But I AM ANGRY. And I also dislike saying nothing.