The weather was beautiful over the long weekend, so we went hiking with the kids. We've been missing out by not hiking more in the fall. We returned to a location that we visited in the past; it was a lot more fun without the summer heat. I tried to get some photos for Christmas cards. We are still challenged by simultaneously looking in the same direction.

This week, I'm trying to make some progress on finding the next childcare option. I'm back to looking at au pairs. It's an up and down process. When I'm feeling discouraged about the child care options, I start questioning whether my job is worth it. I don't feel like anything I'm doing at work is very important. And I don't feel like I fit in with my colleagues. I don't go to work and love my office or my job. In the past, I HAVE worked in offices where I love either the people and/or the job. This office, not so much.  I think... I have to be patient, I have to wait longer, I have to give it more of a chance. I am learning things! I really am; maybe it's just slower than I would like. Also, I think the firm has a lot of potential to do good/better work...but I wonder if they want to do better. I really, really like to work with people who are ambitious and challenge themselves (and me)!

On the other hand, when I come across an interesting potential au pair, then a bit of relief floods over me and I think, Good! I can keep working! Because I really want to do this! I really want to practice architecture again, and I can't give up yet! It will get better, I know it will, if I just have the time to persist. Certainly, all my mixed feelings about my job are not resolved by returning to SAHMing.

Drop the Ball

Last Spring our au pair, Lucy, decided that she could find a better family for whom to be an au pair. She stopped coming out of her room and stopped talking to us while she was in the process of finding her "new family." The only way she'd communicate was through texts. It was really one of her more mature moves (sarcasm), and one that convinced me that she might as well move on to a new family in a new city.

On her last day at our house, I wished her the best of luck with her new family - via text! - and then I took Trixie to school. Worried about invading Lucy's space on her last day, I went to the library. I picked up the book, Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less by Tiffany Dafu, read it by the library's fireplace (and never saw Lucy again).

This is a great book; not because I agreed with everything Dafu wrote, but because she makes some really interesting points. She points out the downfalls of trying to do everything onesself, and the gains to be had if you trust other people. Her advice, find what's important to you, do it, drop the other stuff.

Because... if you are always in control of everything, you deprive the other people in your life the space to grow and shine.

Dafu advises that families with working parents make a matrix (together!) and assign household responsibilities to a parent, or make a conscious decision to completely drop the responsibility. We haven't done this. But I did take to heart her suggestion that I should choose which things are important to me, and which things aren't and LET MY PARTNER DO SOMETHING, whether he does it as well as me or not. I think this is key: realizing that not everybody does things the same way you do, but that doesn't exclude the fact that somebody else's way of doing things might have advantages you haven't considered.

Take Thanksgiving: I mentioned on Monday that there would be no turkey and no special meal, right? I consciously decided to drop the ball. But then, Fritz was unsatisfied with this answer and guess what? He shopped for the meal (+ turkey) with the kids, then he made it, and we all ate it, and the kids weren't totally PITAs, and it was really lovely and I DIDN'T DO A THING. I enjoyed myself. I smiled and felt happy and relaxed. I didn't even miss making the apple pie, which I love to make.

(Aside: Noah couldn't remember ever having an apple pie before in his life, even though I've made one every single year for Thanksgiving until now. Even with kids hanging all over me. Sheesh.)

I needed to read Dafu's words because I grew up in a family where loyalty and sacrifice for the family were paramount. The expectations were always high. And we (the kids) were always expected to sacrifice our own needs for the greater good. I think we all carried this idea of sacrificing for the well-being of others, and always doing your best no matter what, with us into adulthood. In Dafu's book, the problem with this kind of selfless sacrifice and the need for doing one's best is gendered. In my life, not so much. In my life, I know an awful lot of people who believe that they do everything the best and that, therefore, they have to do everything, because nobody else will. In the words of my grandfather: If you want something done right, do it yourself. We heard this endlessly while growing up.

The challenge of this mindset is that it very quickly slides into martyrdom. I see it all around me in my perfectionist family, friends, and co-workers: I'm the only one who ever dusts the fans. I'm the only one who makes nutritious meals for my kids, I'm the only one who can answer this question. I work so hard. I'm so busy. And then: Nobody appreciates me. I can't trust anybody. Nobody is worthy of me. 

The thing is...I'm pretty sure that Dafu is right. We have to drop the ball. This act is on us: the perfectionists, the control-freaks. WE have to drop the ball, preferably, before we become martyrs. If we don't drop the ball, we miss seeing the brilliance of other people. We miss the opportunity to relax and smile while eating store bought apple pie. And we give others a ridiculously high standard to cross, all while putting our own selfish egos first.

Thanksgiving without Turkey

The kids have this week off from school. I, sadly, have to work.

Although... not TOO sadly. I think this is all a really great opportunity for Fritz to spend more time with them. Noah confided to me the other day that, "Daddy is not as good as you at taking care of the kids when they fight." And I will add: the kids have been at an elevated level of fighting lately. I'm not sure if it is attributable to their poor health or, perhaps, my absence.

I'm trying NOT to be sucked into thinking that it's all about ME and MY ABSENCE.

One thing about being a stay-at-home mom is that I had so much control over my kids' lives and our household. We don't really tend to talk about SAHMs as being control freaks, but there are huge amounts of control that you give up when you drop your kids into someone else's hands for the day. And I think my presence was empowering for the kids, for a while, anyway. They had the ultimate security and safety to just be kids. I don't regret taking the time to set things up and get them moving in the right direction. I'm really proud of the way they've turned out: super creative, good problem-solvers, and independent. But I do think there's a point at which a parent needs to step back and let a child continue without such a strong safety net. And we reached that point.

For me, letting go of the control is also related to 1) being ready for my own pursuits and 2) having other people (Fritz) who can kinda step into my role. I am so lucky to have his support in going back to work. I do realize that not everyone is so lucky to have a partner willing to step up as much as Fritz has.

This year, for Thanksgiving, that is what I am thankful for more than anything else: a husband who is supporting me.

Fritz and I really started getting to know each other one Orphan Thanksgiving, in Portland, Oregon, fifteen years ago. We think of Thanksgiving fondly. But I will tell you: Thanksgiving since our children has not been nearly as fun as Thanksgiving before our children. So this year, we're thinking we might boycott the whole thing. Maybe we'll go hiking. Maybe we'll watch movies together. Maybe we'll eat peanut butter and jelly. But we will not (most likely) make a turkey. And we will not force the kids to sit around the table. And we will not spend all day cooking food that no kid eats.

The goal, this Thanksgiving, is to just enjoy being together. Especially since togetherness has become a little more precious this fall.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What a stinkin' miserable week this was. I'm so glad it's over.

Thursday night the kids (all!) slept through the night for the first time in a week. Guess who didn't sleep? (Me, of course.)

Friday I felt completely drained; guess I had used up all my adrenaline on the week's worth of night shifts at the Wyse Hospital Ward.

Bright spots on Friday: sitting outside and eating my lunch in the warm autumn sun. The upbeat smile of a college student about to go on vacation. Listening to an interview with REM on NPR for the 25th anniversary re-release of Automatic for the People.

I'm spending the weekend hanging out with the kiddos, while Fritz heads into the office to get some work done. Spending all week on the day shift with the sick kids really took set him back twice over: he has to work on the weekend AND he caught their virus. Bummer.

I'm not sure it's so obvious in this photo, but Noah has been dressing in 90s grunge style. Long underwear under shorts. Often. (Stripes, not plaid.) I swear, I am not encouraging him to dress like this...I do wonder where's it's coming from...or just, you know, something he came up with by himself? Also, he does a backflip out of the swing about 30 seconds after this photo. Pretty sure I never used swings for such acrobatics. Sheesh. Kids these days.

the Wyse Hospital Ward

The kids – all three of them – have been sick this week. On the plus side, they are more or less sick at the same time. Sick-at-the-same-time has the advantage of being efficient. Unlike domino sickness, where one gets sick and then better just as number 2 gets sick and so on.

Fritz is missing a lot of work to take care of them. He says our house is a Hospital Ward this week. I guess if he has the day shift, we could say that I have the night shift. I haven't slept through the night in about 5 nights now. I'm awake 4-5 times a night. The joy of three (sick) kids. I guess it's a good thing that I'm not doing anything too critical at work.

Confession: I HAVE been slightly happy to leave the Wyse Hospital Ward each morning and head to the office. At the same time, I'm feeling impatient and perhaps even bored by the lack of urgency at work. I'm very task-oriented: whenever I start feeling like I'm just clocking in hours on the computer as opposed to doing SOMETHING IMPORTANT, I get frustrated. As the new person, it's not always easy to find meaningful and helpful work, you are (to a large extent) at the mercy of other people to grant you work/approve work. Hmmm...maybe after 10 years of managing a household, I have a little more project management expertise than I've admitted and I'm struggling with NOT being a manager. Trying not to step on toes. Beyond that, I do have a deep need for work of that has meaning and significance and importance. I'd be a horrible paper pusher. Note to self: I need a job that better uses this ambitious side of my personality in the long term.

I am trying, mostly, to be patient and not to jump to quick conclusions with regards to my job. I know that I have a great deal to learn, and I know that I can learn a lot where I am right now. On the other hand, I'm 40 years old and I'm not really into dilly-dallying my time away. One of my architecture friends tells me I just need to hold ONE job for ONE year, and then I cease to be newly-returned-to-the-work-force, and become just a regular person looking for a job. So that's my goal. Last a year, then re-evaluate. For the record, it might be a lot more difficult to follow this logic at 40 years old than it was at 28. I have stronger opinions, quicker judgement, and a lot more confidence in my ability to quickly and competently evaluate a situation.

Then again, maybe I'm just arrogant. (No, I'm not. Yes, I am.) Maybe my expectations are out of line (Probably. Or not. Yes, probably.) Okay. Being patient. While I dream about plans B, C and D, let us remember that I wasn't a big fan of running the Wyse Hospital Ward.

Alignments

One of the realities that I've resigned myself to is that in order to keep working full-time, the kiddos will be subjected to an ever-changing series of caretakers. Our goal will be to find great caregivers and limit turnover, but there's only so much influence we can impart.

After last year, when we tried to make things work with an au pair who I didn't really trust, I decided to take upon the hiring of a local babysitter myself. I specifically kicked Fritz out of the interview process, since I think he rather over-rode my instincts with that particular (bad) au pair. I wanted to see if I could do a better job without his input. I wanted to follow my instincts.

I interviewed about 8 people before I found the right fit. And I really love our current sitter - or nanny - I don't know how to refer to her - I keep changing my mind. She's working for us about 20 hours a week, sometimes a little bit more with holidays, etc.

I trust her. Which is MAJOR in making me feel okay about going to work. My grandmother told me after Noah was born, "What you need to do is find someone you can really trust to watch him. That makes all the difference." And my grandmother was completely right. But at the time she told me this, we were living in Munich and this piece of advice was completely overwhelming. I could barely make friends for myself with my clumsy German: how was I ever going to find someone I trusted to watch my child?

Every now and then I have crossed paths with someone I trust, but the stars don't always align. Or the stars don't align for a very long time. Now we have someone I trust and I am so happy about it. However, she's expecting a baby in March, so we'll be back to looking for another child care solution starting in February, at least temporarily. We MAY go back in the direction of an au pair. It's the same argument I made before: IF we could find the right au pair, I do think that the au pair (live-in nanny) really offers us some much-appreciated flexibility.

Naturally, I'm worried about making the same mistakes. No. That's not true. It's more like: I'm worried about making new mistakes and finding myself unhappy once again. I actually trust myself not to make the exact same mistake.

A Cloudy Crystal Ball

Starting my new architect job occurred simultaneously with having a lot of orders in the Etsy/WyseWorks store. I have some really mixed feelings about the WyseWorks store.

It's a small, small business. My brother says I shouldn't say that. But it is. At this point in time, I make a few thousand dollars from it each year. It's really nice to make some side money. But relative to the amount I'm paid to do architecture, the WyseWorks stuff pays, like, half the hourly rate. In spite of this, some people are still pretty sure my prices are rip-offs. Here's an inquiry I received about doing a custom project. Initially I wanted to justify my prices. Instead I simply turned down the work. Starting off a client relationship with antagony is not a good idea. (I, myself, could do well to remember this.) This year in particular, I really didn't have time to be forgiving / justifying / proving my worth.

What makes up for the low WyseWorks wages are that most of the customers are really cool and they have really neat ideas. I LOVE the challenge of making something that is "just right" for someone. The reviews and positive feedback are pretty great, too. Sometimes, I go read the reviews when I am in a bad mood, and they buoy me up and makes me feel so much better.

Going forward, however, it's hard to justify spending the time on WyseWorks when I'm paid more to be an architect.

But then, the WyseWorks business feels like one of my children. It's hard to walk away from it. And what if this architecture thing doesn't work out? What if spending hours and hours on Revit bores me to tears? What if the economy tanks and we have a big recession and I get laid off? I'm always one to have Plans B and C in the wings, so I guess I need to keep ahold of the WyseWorks store, but I'm not exactly sure what that means yet.

Like a Pre Teen

I've been reading a lot of pre-teen books to Noah lately. (Are they officially YA books? No, maybe not. Let's call them pre-teen.) Even though he's 10, I still read to him. And actually...as he gets older, and the books get more interesting, I enjoy it more.

When I was 10 years old, I read just about everything I could get my hands, including some things I probably shouldn't have gotten my hands on. (I'm looking at you Flowers in the Attic.) I read all of these things to myself. My mom was always busy; I was always self-sufficient. Subsequently, I avoided books unless they had female protagonists. Guess what? I missed out on a whole bunch of really good books. Lucky for me, I have two sons, and they seem to like the books with male protagonists. So now I'm catching up on everything I missed out on, plus everything that's been published in the last 30 years. Hatchet. My Side of the Mountain. The Wednesday Wars. And, my goodness, the Wings of Fire Series. Some of the books are humorous and some are serious and some are just plain silly. Most of the characters have these VERY raw/surface like emotions. Honestly, I can't believe how these books have sucked me in, and to some extent, have me re-framing my everyday experiences like a pre-teen once again.

It's weird - it's almost uncomfortable, really - and I wonder if I need to stop reading with Noah.

On the other hand, it's sort of interesting to feel things like a pre-teen again. Gives my life a little extra excitement, I suppose.

You know what? There have been so many changes around the Wyse House in the last year. As I neglect posting about each change, I neglect posting in general.

FORTUNATELY, I know that the cure to neglect is to just start typing. Post a little. And slowly unravel everything in my (now) pre teen like-head onto the blog.

Here are some of the topics I think I should write about. It's very pre-teen of me to just throw it out here, right? (Right.) Dyslexia. Returning to work full-time. Sitting still for many, many hours a day. Babysitters.