Tuesday, May 23, 2017


It's been 2 weeks since Lucy (our au pair) stopped working for us, and one week since she went to live with her new host family. That means I'm back to my former life of taking care of the kiddos all the time. The first week I was happy to spend lots of time with them again.

I started deprogramming Trixie. Basically, I am trying to undo the changes in her behavior that occurred under Lucy's care. Look: I'm not saying that the changes in her personality were bad, per se. However, I DO notice that my kids change when different people take care of them. It happens less as the kids get older, but the younger they are, the more likely that they are to shift. This particular shift has been somewhere been slight and moderate. If I hadn't spent the massive amount of time with them that I have, I'm not sure I would notice it. But...I've put a lot of effort into thinking carefully about how I respond and interact with them so that they reflect values and attitudes that I feel are important. Not everyone is so intentional in their interaction with kids. Not everyone thinks about whether or not they are encouraging a child to be whiny by the way they treat the child or the words they use. I never really expected a 20 year-old Lucy to have a lot of intentionality or to share my child-raising goals. But I was willing to let go of some of my control with the kids. And I am (still) sooo eager to do something new with my brain... Well, the situation now is that Lucy DID affect them and now that they are back with me full-time, I'm determined to undo the changes.

So... the last two weeks, with Lucy gone, and me right back where I started...while I'm trying to remain positive, I'm also pretty deeply burned by Lucy's seemingly flippant decision to leave us. It's difficult to just let go of the last year that I spent planning this life change: I had poured so much into preparing for Lucy, finding Lucy, training Lucy, trying to listen to and address her concerns, supporting and engaging Lucy! Admittedly, I was frustrated by Lucy's lack of application, under-initiative, and reactive/entitled behavior. So maybe it was ultimately good that she left. But I'm still really disappointed.

What I can't really do is determine how likely this is to happen again if we get another au pair. I like data. I'd like to know my chances of repeating this experience if we get another au pair. Hard data about au pair experiences are really difficult to come by. (Anecdotes abound, as does a huge amount of one-sided legal complaints.) I've asked our au pair agency for broad statistics: how many au pairs leave their original host families? How many au pairs are successful in completing their year after finding a new family? What is the average length of stay of an au pair? They don't have those numbers available to give to me, although Lucy claims that they told her 50% of au pairs leave their original host families. This lack of transparency irks me. I think, if an organization wants to be good at what they do, the organization tracks this information and tries to find ways to improve. If the organization doesn't know/won't share it's numbers, I have to ask myself: are they prioritizing profits over providing better service to their members? (Are these two things so mutually exclusive?)

Do I care?

Well, when it comes to my kids, I do care! When we are talking about 10 weeks of heart-felt investment + the months of preparing now lost, I do care! A lot of people choose to get an au pair because of how affordable they are. For us, the affordability is nice, but the other benefits, like flexibility and the intercultural exchange, are the things that convince me this should be the right option for us. Then again, maybe this isn't such a good option if 50% of all matches fail. Maybe I just need to find a better agency? An agency that screens their au pairs more? I would be willing to pay more for a better au pair and better odds that I don't have to go through this "rematch" process again because of some flaky, mediocre au pair changes her mind. But the data to assist me in determining these odds is not available.

The agency line is: It just wasn't a good fit. This is not at all comforting to those of us who put lots of effort into everything we do. (Me.) Turning over and starting with a new au pair, without any satisfying way to evaluate what happened in preparation for next time, is dumb. Or so my brain is hard-wired to think.

It shouldn't be so hard, my friend the long-time host mother tells me. I don't really know what to do with this piece of information. I guess if we do this again, I try less hard? I give up sooner?

It's the reality of being an employer, my friend the business owner says. I've had to adapt my methods of training new people to minimize my risk. So many employees leave as soon as I get them trained.

Somehow, I find it easier to think in terms of minimizing risk, rather than minimizing effort.

1 comment:

Pregnantly Plump said...

I'm sorry it's been such a rough time. I understand. It's hard to put so much effort into something, and other people not being as "in" as you are.