Trust

At work I have been cycling through some of my really old music CDs from when I was in high school. In high school, I went through a phase where I tried to buy only music by female musicians.

(If we are being honest - I am ALWAYS going through phases where I try to use my buying power to support females. Sometimes, it is female writers, sometimes it female artisans, sometimes it is female designers, female business owners.... You get the idea.)

Anyway. These days, all my old CDs have been loaded into iTunes. And one of the female bands that I have, the Murmurs, are, I guess, minor enough that iTunes can't seem to locate the album cover. It makes me feel like I must have some pretty dated and obscure stuff.

I think I like that.

Listening to The Murmurs the other day, I wrote down this line from one of their songs. I liked it as a teenager. And I still really like it today:

I may walk with you, but I'll be there to catch me if I fall. 

There's something about the idea that ultimate self-suficiency lies within us that really speaks to me. The line cleverly thumbs its nose at both romantic love and Christianity. And maybe there's something sad about it, too: there's really nobody that you can trust, so be careful, watch out, prepare to pick yourself up.

My suspicion is that most women think this way naturally. I wonder if men do, too. I know that when my teenage friend and I snuck out to go see the Murmurs play live in downtown Providence, we were pretty convinced that none of our sucky ex-boyfriends were steeling themselves as a precaution against future relationships. But maybe they, too, were preparing a back door for when somebody lets them down, and we were just too self-centered to see it? One might think that after all these years, I have more clarity on this, but the older I get, the less I feel I know. And why is it that I still feel so cautious about trust; and apparently I have felt this way, for such a long time? Is it human nature to feel like this, or did I learn it? And if I learned it, how? Or maybe the current news cycle is resurrecting all these thoughts and feelings.