When we said goodbye to our au pair, the kids were sad. The cats were sad. I was sad. The house was sad. (It immediately fell into messy chaos.) Our new au pair arrives next week. In the meantime, Fritz and I are tag teaming the day, with Fritz working very early hours and me working later hours; thus, I drop the kids off in the morning and Fritz picks the kids up after school in the afternoon. There's really nothing else to do – no other way to do it – and the only thing I can say, is that it is better than last year, when we did the same schedule, except Trixie was in school for even fewer hours.
I am so tired, internet. Work is intense; and sadly, there's a fair amount of stress for Fritz at work as well. The kids are okay, considering that they just started a new school year and lost their much loved au pair. Which is really me saying that the kids are not-so-okay. I don't know, I don't know. We might be well on our way to becoming some of those people who decide to make a radical life change: you know, the ones who sell everything and live in a camper? Or join a cult and move to a remote island in the South Pacific? Or quit their jobs and open a coffee shop on their credit cards? Or something. Right. At work, we had an informational session on our 401ks and all I could think about was how far away from here would that money get me?
Short term I cope with the stress by day dreaming on my commute about an alternative life, in a parallel universe. Even this feels a little indulgent. Today, I scolded myself for using my commute in such an irresponsible way. I should be thinking about work! Or Noah's mysterious disappearing homework! Or planning the weekend! Not daydreaming about traveling.
Then I thought maybe I could convince my subconscious to just incorporate my daydreams with my regular night dreams. Have you ever tried to control what dreams you are having? It doesn't really work for me. At least, not yet.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I dated a senior. He eventually went away to college, and, of course, we broke up, and I thought I would never see him again. My life was continuing more or less that way; ie, I never saw him. And I was so determined NOT to make myself a pest, NOT to TRY to see him, even though I really wanted to see him. So finally, months after our break up, I decided that maybe I could see him in my dreams.
I tried to bargain a bit with the universe, hoping that the universe would let me have dreams about him. Then, I started having dreams where I almost saw him... but not quite! He was there, he was close, but as soon as I caught a glimpse of him, he would disappear. Or I would open my mouth to speak to him, but then I couldn’t actually see him. This went on for years, and it was maddening, although it was just a series of dreams! In fact, every now and then - 25 odd years later, thousands of miles away from high school, he still occasionally haunts my dreams as a person present, but unseen. The frustration of dreaming about a person who you want to see, but never can; that was annoying! Continuing to dream about a person who you never really see, even when you no longer want to – I guess now he's just a symbol of unfulfilled wishes – that's just obnoxious. And it was dumb to originally think I could somehow "dream" resolution.
Which brings me back to the present, where I simultaneously feel that 1) I should be not be daydreaming and 2) night dreaming isn't an alternative and 3) maybe I should just stop the dreaming altogether and make it reality.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Fall Bits
This afternoon I found some radish under the dead tomato plants in the garden. I forgot I planted these. German Bier Garten Radish, especially for Fritz. He's been on a beer kick lately, so the timing is perfect.
At the time I planted the radish, I thought I might also share some with my then-office, because they were so unfriendly that they seemed in need of some time at a beer garden. I figured radish were a good reason to invite them to the beer garden.
(I still feel the sting of failure with regards to my old office - my desire to positively contribute was so strong - I had so many little strategies to improve the atmosphere! - but their resistance was stronger, I guess. Anyway: it *still* feels a bit like failure to me, even though I was the one to walk away. I don't walk away easily. (Hello, Almost Eight Year Old Blog, so nice to be here with you.))
We took a family trip to Ouray while the kids were on fall break. It was awesome. Awesome as in: I would live there in a heartbeat! I think I'm done with city-living. Really. You know how the trend has been for people to move back to the cities for the last 20ish years? Well, I'm ready to be part of the new trend-setters LEAVING the city.
The next photo is taken in a Colorado ghost town, Ironton. The stereotypical ghost town, in my mind, is stranded-in-the-high-desert. Ironton is more hiding-in-the-forest.
This month we've been without an au pair, but next month, we'll have a new au pair joining our family. It's been nice to have some extra time with the kids, but it's also been more stressful for Fritz and I. We are definitely looking forward to having another adult in the house.
At the time I planted the radish, I thought I might also share some with my then-office, because they were so unfriendly that they seemed in need of some time at a beer garden. I figured radish were a good reason to invite them to the beer garden.
(I still feel the sting of failure with regards to my old office - my desire to positively contribute was so strong - I had so many little strategies to improve the atmosphere! - but their resistance was stronger, I guess. Anyway: it *still* feels a bit like failure to me, even though I was the one to walk away. I don't walk away easily. (Hello, Almost Eight Year Old Blog, so nice to be here with you.))
We took a family trip to Ouray while the kids were on fall break. It was awesome. Awesome as in: I would live there in a heartbeat! I think I'm done with city-living. Really. You know how the trend has been for people to move back to the cities for the last 20ish years? Well, I'm ready to be part of the new trend-setters LEAVING the city.
The next photo is taken in a Colorado ghost town, Ironton. The stereotypical ghost town, in my mind, is stranded-in-the-high-desert. Ironton is more hiding-in-the-forest.
This month we've been without an au pair, but next month, we'll have a new au pair joining our family. It's been nice to have some extra time with the kids, but it's also been more stressful for Fritz and I. We are definitely looking forward to having another adult in the house.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Sequenced
This week marks the one year anniversary of going back to work after approximately 10 years at home taking care of the kids. I always try to be patient with my opinions in the midst of major life changes – but after one year, I find myself ready to talk about the transition.
I'm still glad that I decided to return to work - I don't miss the SAHM daily grind at all. For me, it was more challenging to be at home all the time than it is to leave the house and go to a job. I like the change of pace that a job provides, even though I feel like I never have enough time for all the things that need to be done. For me, being challenged is preferable to the monotony and boredom of being at home and thus working has been easier than staying at home.
That said, I have less tolerance for a lot of the nonsense that comes with having a job. Over the course of the last year I worked at two different firms - the first, for 7.5 months and the current one, for 4.5 months. The two firms couldn't be more night and day from each other.
In the first firm, I had almost no responsibility. I asked for more responsibility (Can I do this submittal? Can I put together that permit?) And I was repeatedly told no. I tried all the tricks in my bag to get more responsibility, like taking initiative for different types of work, working extra hours, presenting new ideas. All of these techniques - which have worked for me in the past, did not work at this firm. I subsequently felt blackballed and unwelcome.
Additional facts: I didn't receive a phone extension until I had been there for 6 months; my boss denied my request for business cards; I was underpaid by about $20k/year; I wasn't looped into email chains (repeatedly); I wasn't invited to or told about meetings; colleagues repeatedly claimed credit for my work; the atmosphere was unfriendly.
When I asked the owner about getting some more responsibility, he called the lack of responsibility my own fault, and accused me of not taking initiative.
Huh. Interesting. So...someone comes to you, as a last resort, and very directly says that they would like more inclusion and responsibility and YOU say they are not taking initiative. Go figure. That was the remark of a man afraid to be challenged, unwilling to be a critical thinker, and eager to shift the blame elsewhere. It was a response that greatly diminished my respect for him. When I considered it in combination with the competitive and backstabbing nature of my co-workers, I got the impression that that there was some sort of tug of war going on for the owner's attention. His words to me were essentially a recognition of this: take what you want, this office is dog eat dog, not collegial at all. All that backstabbing and tussling for attention is not my schtick, especially when the owner wasn't someone I could muster much respect for. Maybe my colleagues wanted his approval, but I didn't.
I used my "lack of initiative" to get a new job.
And as I said: that job was wasting my time, and at age 41 my time was/is too precious to be wasted.
In the second firm, I've received more responsibility than I've felt qualified to handle. Everything is fast and heavy and often I feel handicapped by slow computers and colleagues whose experience is less than mine. But I am learning SOOO MUCH. Everyday is a new challenge, and in spite of all the challenges, I absolutely love the opportunity.
On the other hand, there's a heavy dosage of young adult drama in my current office. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that most of my co-workers aren't married and don't have kids. I think getting married and having kids or even, to some extent, having a mortgage, forces you to get realistic about life in a new, prioritizing way. In this office, I've noticed that people who don't have adult responsibilities worry about stuff like: who sneezes without properly covering their mouth, or who is able to quote Mean Girls, or who went out for drinks with who last night and who made a fool of themselves at the pool. ETC. Look, I really can't bring myself to care about any of that stuff. Just: not a priority. Those concerns strike me as stuff that one can only afford to put effort into when they have too much time and too little responsibility. But it doesn't stop me from respecting my current colleagues. I both like them and I respect them, I just have to filter all their nonsense through a "still young" lens. Then I feel much better about it.
At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of each month, however, I still have one solid thought: I have to do this for myself.
I can't spend the rest of my life working for someone else's firm. I want my OWN firm. I want to make my own choices. I want to own my failures - and hopefully successes! - I look around at the other firms, and I have no appetite to work for any other firm. All firms have problems. My own firm, someday, will have problems. But I genuinely want my own set of problems. Somehow, that makes a difference to me. Also, I'm just tired, internet. I'm tired of working for men. I'm tired of these f*cked up power plays they engage in. I want a women-owned firm. I don't need to own the whole thing myself, I'd happily have partners, but I simply want the Y chromosomes, the Yarchitects, out of the power positions.
I wonder if this deep desire to have my own firm would be there if I hadn't spent the previous 10 years running the household. Perhaps there is something to be said for the independence and level of comfort in a leadership role that one develops as a SAHM. I feel my independence is compromised as someone else's employee, working outside the home. As a SAHM, I felt much more in control. I really miss that sense of control. And just to be clear: I was never a perfect, Type A, Tiger Mother. But the messes were mine, I owned them, and I liked that better.
There's also something about the time away from work that taught me that my worth and value as a human being is not solely tied to my job, or my ability to hold a job. That's a huge, liberating feeling. Once I had processed it, I was able to recognizing the things I truly wanted to do and start setting up a plan to do them on my own terms. But it's also super scary to let go of that identity that work provides and critically compare our life satisfaction to our job titles.
I still like the term "sequencing" to describe leaving the workforce to take care of children and returning to the workforce as the children grow older. As a term, it is a little antiquated, but I appreciate that it doesn't prejudice one part over the other.
I've always said I was going back to work: and this year, one year after that jump, I can proudly say that I did it. Plan: Part Two. Accomplished. Part Three: Up Next.
I'm still glad that I decided to return to work - I don't miss the SAHM daily grind at all. For me, it was more challenging to be at home all the time than it is to leave the house and go to a job. I like the change of pace that a job provides, even though I feel like I never have enough time for all the things that need to be done. For me, being challenged is preferable to the monotony and boredom of being at home and thus working has been easier than staying at home.
That said, I have less tolerance for a lot of the nonsense that comes with having a job. Over the course of the last year I worked at two different firms - the first, for 7.5 months and the current one, for 4.5 months. The two firms couldn't be more night and day from each other.
In the first firm, I had almost no responsibility. I asked for more responsibility (Can I do this submittal? Can I put together that permit?) And I was repeatedly told no. I tried all the tricks in my bag to get more responsibility, like taking initiative for different types of work, working extra hours, presenting new ideas. All of these techniques - which have worked for me in the past, did not work at this firm. I subsequently felt blackballed and unwelcome.
Additional facts: I didn't receive a phone extension until I had been there for 6 months; my boss denied my request for business cards; I was underpaid by about $20k/year; I wasn't looped into email chains (repeatedly); I wasn't invited to or told about meetings; colleagues repeatedly claimed credit for my work; the atmosphere was unfriendly.
When I asked the owner about getting some more responsibility, he called the lack of responsibility my own fault, and accused me of not taking initiative.
Huh. Interesting. So...someone comes to you, as a last resort, and very directly says that they would like more inclusion and responsibility and YOU say they are not taking initiative. Go figure. That was the remark of a man afraid to be challenged, unwilling to be a critical thinker, and eager to shift the blame elsewhere. It was a response that greatly diminished my respect for him. When I considered it in combination with the competitive and backstabbing nature of my co-workers, I got the impression that that there was some sort of tug of war going on for the owner's attention. His words to me were essentially a recognition of this: take what you want, this office is dog eat dog, not collegial at all. All that backstabbing and tussling for attention is not my schtick, especially when the owner wasn't someone I could muster much respect for. Maybe my colleagues wanted his approval, but I didn't.
I used my "lack of initiative" to get a new job.
And as I said: that job was wasting my time, and at age 41 my time was/is too precious to be wasted.
In the second firm, I've received more responsibility than I've felt qualified to handle. Everything is fast and heavy and often I feel handicapped by slow computers and colleagues whose experience is less than mine. But I am learning SOOO MUCH. Everyday is a new challenge, and in spite of all the challenges, I absolutely love the opportunity.
On the other hand, there's a heavy dosage of young adult drama in my current office. I attribute a lot of it to the fact that most of my co-workers aren't married and don't have kids. I think getting married and having kids or even, to some extent, having a mortgage, forces you to get realistic about life in a new, prioritizing way. In this office, I've noticed that people who don't have adult responsibilities worry about stuff like: who sneezes without properly covering their mouth, or who is able to quote Mean Girls, or who went out for drinks with who last night and who made a fool of themselves at the pool. ETC. Look, I really can't bring myself to care about any of that stuff. Just: not a priority. Those concerns strike me as stuff that one can only afford to put effort into when they have too much time and too little responsibility. But it doesn't stop me from respecting my current colleagues. I both like them and I respect them, I just have to filter all their nonsense through a "still young" lens. Then I feel much better about it.
At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of each month, however, I still have one solid thought: I have to do this for myself.
I can't spend the rest of my life working for someone else's firm. I want my OWN firm. I want to make my own choices. I want to own my failures - and hopefully successes! - I look around at the other firms, and I have no appetite to work for any other firm. All firms have problems. My own firm, someday, will have problems. But I genuinely want my own set of problems. Somehow, that makes a difference to me. Also, I'm just tired, internet. I'm tired of working for men. I'm tired of these f*cked up power plays they engage in. I want a women-owned firm. I don't need to own the whole thing myself, I'd happily have partners, but I simply want the Y chromosomes, the Yarchitects, out of the power positions.
I wonder if this deep desire to have my own firm would be there if I hadn't spent the previous 10 years running the household. Perhaps there is something to be said for the independence and level of comfort in a leadership role that one develops as a SAHM. I feel my independence is compromised as someone else's employee, working outside the home. As a SAHM, I felt much more in control. I really miss that sense of control. And just to be clear: I was never a perfect, Type A, Tiger Mother. But the messes were mine, I owned them, and I liked that better.
There's also something about the time away from work that taught me that my worth and value as a human being is not solely tied to my job, or my ability to hold a job. That's a huge, liberating feeling. Once I had processed it, I was able to recognizing the things I truly wanted to do and start setting up a plan to do them on my own terms. But it's also super scary to let go of that identity that work provides and critically compare our life satisfaction to our job titles.
I still like the term "sequencing" to describe leaving the workforce to take care of children and returning to the workforce as the children grow older. As a term, it is a little antiquated, but I appreciate that it doesn't prejudice one part over the other.
I've always said I was going back to work: and this year, one year after that jump, I can proudly say that I did it. Plan: Part Two. Accomplished. Part Three: Up Next.
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