Visions of Success

I've had way too many commitments going on lately: the holiday stuff, the work stuff, the re-new my architectural license stuff, volunteer scout stuff, volunteer in the neighborhood stuff, the household visitor stuff, and the kids-are-not-in-school stuff. I've also been working on some side projects – an architecture project to be more precise – that I hoped would turn into an opportunity to leave my full-time job and venture out on my own.

It didn't pan out.

Better to find out now than later. Still... working on it was about 25 hours of work that I didn't really need on my plate this month.

As a result of this experience, I find myself thinking a lot lately about how I define success in my professional life. I want to be intellectually challenged, but not overrun by hours of work at someone else's whim. (I REALLY don't want to work for a firm that double and triple books my time.) I'd also much rather have flexibility than reliability. I'd prefer a variety of work to redundant work. I'd prefer clever, respectful co-workers over funny, dramatic, or lone wolf-types.

I'd like to choose my own poison, rather than be spoon fed it.

I would like to work on a solid computer system, because there is nothing more annoying (to me) than a slow/under-powered computer backing up to a server over the internet. I would like to work with a solid software packages that are optimally utilized, because lacking software or inadequate utilization of computer software is close second for frustration. When the computer works, when the software is available and appropriately utilized, working on my computer is almost zen-like. I'm in Flow, I'm in the Zone, I'm so happy! Sitting in front of my glowing monitor, all the chaos of my household life and three-kids-two-cats-one-au-pair melts away and I have in my computer a perfect, abstract model of a building under my control. Again: I'm so happy in this state! But when the computer stops working, or the saving takes a long time, or the internet slows down my speed, or the software isn't available: I'm miserable! I'm miserable when I don't have tools that I need to control the work that I am doing.

I'd like to hold myself and those around me to a high moral standard. It's deeply disappointing to see people in power who are manipulative, abusive, rude, or disrespectful. I don't want to support this type of person as an employee, employer, or client. I want the ability to walk away from people like this. I want to vote with my feet.

I've said (over and over and over again) that my goal is to have my own firm. Still is. It needn't be big. It can be just me and just a few projects. What is clearly not my dream, or not my version of success, is to work for a big firm and be a cog in the wheels. Is that anyone's dream? Probably not: but I do think there are a lot of people out there who would choose the security of a corporate type job to risk of being independent. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not for me.

Additionally: I can't help thinking that the state of comfortably employed as being the truly risky matter. As an architect, I spend time watching the winds of the economy. The construction industry is always the first to fall and the last to rise when the economy tanks. I've been an architect through one recession and one downturn, so I don't take their impact lightly. I wonder if it might be easier to support yourself as a sole proprietor, with little projects, in a recession? I don't know - but I do know that overhead is a significant part of architectural costs. There's also the fact that as an employee, you are ultimately dependent on a very few people's evaluation of you. Do they think you are working hard enough? Are you profitable enough for the company? How are you in comparison to the person sitting next to you? These questions will maintain or end your employment. Where as, if you work for yourself, you are likely to have a much larger pool of opinions to draw upon.

I try to paint this picture of myself – this picture of where I want to be – so that when opportunities arise to be more independent, I can pursue them. I'll get there; I know I will. It just takes time.

Meta

Last week I decided to collect all my blogging back on this blog. There wasn't a lot to be moved, but it's all here now and I feel pretty good about that. I filed the entries under the dates that they originally appeared on my other blog: 10 posts from between March 2018 and October 2018. The lesson learned it that it was not a good period of my life when I felt like I had to segment myself (including my blogging self) into pieces. If I find myself doing that again, it's a warning sign.

Work continues to be pretty intense and stressful, but the arrival of our new au pair has helped greatly to balance things out around the house. She is really doing an amazing job with the kids, and an amazing job keeping the household together. I thought that MAYBE with the kids in school full days, MAYBE it wouldn't be necessary to host an pair. But my new theory is that as long as Fritz and I continue to work full time jobs outside the home; and as long as we continue to have no helping family nearby, we will continue to host an au pair.

Long term, I still have the same goal that I've had for years and years: my own architecture firm. Going back to work after my career break confirmed it. Working in two very different offices since I've returned reaffirms it. I was telling my very good friend and mentor about this the other day: I know I need to have my own architecture firm IN MY BONES. At the same time, I'm cautious, careful, and calculating: because I ALSO know that I need to learn more and prep more before I'm ready.  I'm open to possibilities; but I'm not foolish. I'm also really, really lucky to be at my current job - with all the growth and responsibility and potential that I've been given. It's full of wonderful (albeit stressful) opportunities. I just need to make sure I keep my eye on the long term goal and strategically learn what I need for the next steps.

Dreams

When we said goodbye to our au pair, the kids were sad. The cats were sad. I was sad. The house was sad. (It immediately fell into messy chaos.) Our new au pair arrives next week. In the meantime, Fritz and I are tag teaming the day, with Fritz working very early hours and me working later hours; thus, I drop the kids off in the morning and Fritz picks the kids up after school in the afternoon. There's really nothing else to do – no other way to do it – and the only thing I can say, is that it is better than last year, when we did the same schedule, except Trixie was in school for even fewer hours.

I am so tired, internet. Work is intense; and sadly, there's a fair amount of stress for Fritz at work as well. The kids are okay, considering that they just started a new school year and lost their much loved au pair. Which is really me saying that the kids are not-so-okay. I don't know, I don't know. We might be well on our way to becoming some of those people who decide to make a radical life change: you know, the ones who sell everything and live in a camper? Or join a cult and move to a remote island in the South Pacific? Or quit their jobs and open a coffee shop on their credit cards? Or something. Right. At work, we had an informational session on our 401ks and all I could think about was how far away from here would that money get me?

Short term I cope with the stress by day dreaming on my commute about an alternative life, in a parallel universe. Even this feels a little indulgent. Today, I scolded myself for using my commute in such an irresponsible way. I should be thinking about work! Or Noah's mysterious disappearing homework! Or planning the weekend! Not daydreaming about traveling.

Then I thought maybe I could convince my subconscious to just incorporate my daydreams with my regular night dreams. Have you ever tried to control what dreams you are having? It doesn't really work for me. At least, not yet.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I dated a senior. He eventually went away to college, and, of course, we broke up, and I thought I would never see him again. My life was continuing more or less that way; ie, I never saw him. And I was so determined NOT to make myself a pest, NOT to TRY to see him, even though I really wanted to see him. So finally, months after our break up, I decided that maybe I could see him in my dreams.

I tried to bargain a bit with the universe, hoping that the universe would let me have dreams about him. Then, I started having dreams where I almost saw him... but not quite! He was there, he was close, but as soon as I caught a glimpse of him, he would disappear. Or I would open my mouth to speak to him, but then I couldn’t actually see him. This went on for years, and it was maddening, although it was just a series of dreams! In fact, every now and then - 25 odd years later, thousands of miles away from high school, he still occasionally haunts my dreams as a person present, but unseen. The frustration of dreaming about a person who you want to see, but never can; that was annoying! Continuing to dream about a person who you never really see, even when you no longer want to – I guess now he's just a symbol of unfulfilled wishes – that's just obnoxious. And it was dumb to originally think I could somehow "dream" resolution.

Which brings me back to the present, where I simultaneously feel that 1) I should be not be daydreaming and 2) night dreaming isn't an alternative and 3) maybe I should just stop the dreaming altogether and make it reality.