Communicating

This evening Fritz fell asleep next to me in bed while I was still working on my lap top. His arm flopped across the keyboard, suddenly, with a such a jolt that I knew he was not merely drifting to sleep, by dropping into sleep like a rock. It was strange and funny. It also struck me as simultaneously intimate and distant. I felt so very aware of him and yet he was so profoundly unaware of me. I wondered if he often flops his arms around on me at night. Perhaps I have not noticed (in 14 years!), because, I, too, am dropping into sleep. In which case, tonight is simply one night when we are more distant than usual.

Honestly, my mind is elsewhere tonight. I'm thinking about whether I'm a negative person or cautious worrywart. I think I'm cautious, but how many perceive me as negative? Is there a difference, or is this just semantics? I wonder if my love of problem solving makes me too eager to seek out problems in the first place. I wonder about what my young co-worker said to me this week: that I'm putting too much energy into things that are beyond my control. I have more work to do than there are hours in the day, never mind finding time to be with the kids. Somehow, this orchestra which is life is not quite syncing up yet. I'm collecting all the different pieces, finally, painstakingly, but there's a lot effort in the process and still a lot dissonance in the resulting sound.

I took one of those DISC assessments for my job. The administering company said something like, this is not about your personality, this is about your communication style. Apparently, my communication style has a healthy does of skepticism and sarcasm (or negativity?!?) because I immediately thought, Yeah, right.

Anyway. I do love these assessments, whether it's Myer Briggs or Spirit Animal. Bring it on! So interesting! The data from the assessment was displayed in all sorts of ways. Basically, my strongest scores were two naturally opposing traits Dominance (D) and Stability (S). Here's the chart (about myself) that I found most intriguing:

The black circle is my "Natural Style" and the black star is my "Adapted Style." The idea is that under more stressful circumstances, we change our behavior. Apparently, I am not doing that. At first I was worried about this. Then I decided that maybe it's okay to be consistent. I still do not really know. But: interesting to ponder!

The other thing I found interesting is how close I am to the center of the circle. Sometimes bosses have described me as "Getting along with everyone." I suppose that if you are nearer the center of the circle – and this assessment is purportedly all about communication – then being close to the center of the circle would be something about communicating well with a variety of people. But I don't really think of myself as a very good communicator at all.

I think of myself as hopelessly awkward.

Then, because I like to collect more information, I googled something that said Richard Nixon had the same DISC profile circle number (57), known as the "Columbo Pattern," and people never knew what to think of him. Because he wasn't an open book or easy to read; essentially his communication style put them ill at ease. Well. That's GREAT. So, who knows? Not ME! You'd think I'd get over these assessments, especially since they always seem to compare me to some unfortunate president or presidential candidate.

In honor of completing six months at my new job, I'm planning a long weekend vacation with Fritz and the kids. I am really looking forward to it. We need some quality time together, and henceforth I hope to be much, much better at taking all my vacation time.

May You Fearlessly Stumble

The other day, I overheard a conversation. One of the two people sounded like someone I knew in the past. And hearing "his" voice, out of context and in the present, made me feel very anxious and uncomfortable.

Fritz once told me that this person – let's call him Albert – was making me behave like an abused person. I say this carefully because Albert never abused me openly. But he was an autocratic individual who had a perchance for yelling at the people around him who didn't live up to his standards. His leadership techniques included dripping with condescension, rapid firing rhetorical questions, or openly making fun of other people. Somedays, I would tell Fritz, "It was a good day today, Albert didn't yell at anyone." And that is when Fritz would tell me, "You sound like an abused person."

I didn't think I was abused at the time. But I DID know that Albert's value system was SO DIFFERENT from my own that my time within his sphere of influence would be limited. I would limit it myself, because Albert was simply NOT SOMEONE I COULD RESPECT.

Also: because I never saw myself as a victim, it was a surprise to find myself shaking to a voice that sounded like Albert's. I considered the possibility that I was actually more negatively impacted by Albert than I thought. I was, once again, grateful to be far away from Albert. 

It made me think about how many of us live in fear, and how many of us may even be living in fear without acknowledging it. I feel lucky to have had Fritz to help me keep my head on straight. It's hard to have perspective when you are so desperately trying not to stumble and attract the wrong kind of attention.

I'm also thinking about a couple of people in my life right now, who may be in the a similar position of fear. If someone is in a situation where they feel that they can't make any mistakes without repercussion, belittlement, or antagonism – how does that impact their behavior? How does it replicate itself in their other relationships? Is there a way to stop the abuse (or the bullying) without removing the bully? It's something I suddenly feel the need to research. 

Solo Bird

This weekend, the kids and I woke up very early in the morning and went to Colorado Springs to see the Labor Day Balloon Festival launch. It happened between 6:30 and 8:30 in the morning. My friend and her son came with us – which was wonderful – because I would not have had the energy to tackle this alone.

Fritz stayed home and slept. He was grouchy, as he usually is in the morning. For years, he has told me the that he can be either a morning person or a night person, as needed. But the truth of the it is, that he is not a morning person, ever. *I* am a morning person. I jump out of the bed awake and happy in the morning, no matter what time my alarm goes off. Fritz? Fritz is grumpy before 8am, he just is. Grumpy. Very grumpy. Sure, he can wake up at 5 am. But don't expect him to be happy, ever.

I get it, because I am a super grouch in the evening. If you ask me to do pretty much anything after 9pm, I am highly unpleasant about it. Just leave me alone after 9pm. I can stay awake, yes, but I won't be pleasant, no matter what.

Sometimes I think this would have been a good thing to consider before we got married. Not that it would have changed my mind about Fritz, but, you know, but I do find myself wondering what it would be like to be married to someone who is on the same natural, temporal cycle as me. It's possible that it might cramp my style. I mean, being on a different cycle gives Fritz and I some natural space from each other. On the other hand, sometimes, when I am awake before the sun rises, I look at the few neighboring windows with lights on, and I find myself wondering what it would be like to spend the early morning hours with someone rather than in solitude. I'm honestly not sure: do I like the morning because I like the solitude? Or is my love of the morning independent of the solitude? Certainly, over my years of parenting, having kids who woke/wake up early and destroy my solitude has been unwelcome.

Anyway, while I was at the festival, at the not-so-early hour of 7am , I flipped through my contacts and decided – obnoxiously! – to send some photos to those least likely to be awake at 7am in the morning. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm just a PITA sometimes. Or maybe I wanted to see how they would respond. One of my night owl friends texted back right away: "Nooooo." (Dude, turn off your text alerts!)

Fritz replied (to photos of his own children) with "Nice!" So I guess that was an okay, not too-grumpy response. But I'm pretty sure he was still happy to be at home and in bed, not watching the balloons.

I would very much like to go up in one of those balloons someday. Fortunately, Fritz will be sleeping, so there will be plenty of room for me and the kids and my other early bird friends. So it will be NOT in solitude.

Unless I get my own personal balloon like this guy:

Hmmm. Tempting.