Mostly, this book is born out of my over-imagination and under challenged self at work.
With regards to work: I'm really trying to be very patient and simply learn the software Revit and do all the drafting work that needs to be done anyway. I must learn! I tell myself. BUT I AM BORED OUT OF MY F*CKING MIND. Also: being, essentially, a draftsman is sort of a waste of the things I am good at. But I must learn Revit! And Revit is fine. Whatever. I'm not jumping up and down over it. It's not elegant or refined enough for my tastes. The interface is often excessive. The nomenclature is not consistent enough. It's a documentation of design program that gets a C in design of itself. Building a 3d model that generates sections and elevations and plans is supposed to be a time saver. But in reality, instead of spending time drafting plans and sections and elevations, I spend time managing the model so that it looks right in plans and sections and elevations. It's a wash on efficiency. Seeing as how knowing Revit is pretty much the only way I can have an architecture job, I suck it up and do it. If I had my own firm (some day!), I'd look at different software. Over my career there has been software that fits me like a glove and enhances my skills. And then there has been software that just gets me from point A to point B. Revit is in the latter category. However – as an architect, with projects of a certain size – I think you just get penned into the industry standard for coordination reasons, regardless of how well the software fits your approach.
That was a long aside. The point is: I respect the need to learn Revit; I respect the fact that I simply must do it to learn. I am really grateful to have the opportunity. Last year at this time, it wasn't so clear that I would have the opportunity. So I do my best to stay focused on the task at hand. However, I'm really not being optimally used, I'm dis-satisfied and sometimes even offended by some of the office dynamics, and the quality of design wants serious reinforcements (and I can't seem to figure out how to help with that), so I need to have some focus other than work. Even when I am at wallowing away at work:
Now that I've started writing my book, the words just flow. I ditched my keyboard for pen and paper and I think that freed me. This week, I woke often at 3:30am and just wrote and wrote. I think of my writing now as decidedly DRAFT, rather than a version that anyone will ever see. Hell, maybe I'm not even writing book, maybe I'm just engaged in middle of the night therapy sessions. The decision to use pen and paper was an important step. I didn't quite realize it, but as soon as I sit down at a keyboard, I clam up a bit. Perhaps I am thinking about how easily even a bit of typed anything can be transferred anywhere. Pen and paper feels safer. And my earliest attempts at writing are just so raw. They're good: good in their rawness. I think. Pretty sure the rawness would go away if it was filtered through the keyboard.
Also...pen and paper also feels like so much control! Generally, I don't feel very in control in other areas of my life at this time. I feel more dependent on other people than I have in years. Oomph. I've been listening to Pink Martini's rendition of Que será, será. It's on a CD in my car so that I don't listen to NPR (media!) while driving around.
What stupid lyrics in that song!
Singer: Will there be rainbows day after day?
Me, talking to the CD player: No. No! NO!
I installed a magic eight ball app on my phone to help me with accepting my lack of control. I often ask it VERY IMPORTANT LIFE CHANGING questions. Sarcasm here. Is anybody still reading this blog?
Just for the record, this app seems to be a little biased in the positive answers. I find myself adjusting my questions accordingly. So that I can get the answer I want, you know. (It's still all about control. Even when I'm trying to give it up.)
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