BTW, please update your blog...

I was born in Iowa and the majority of my large extended family still lives in Iowa. When I was 7 years old, my family moved to Massachusetts. My cousins, young and unfiltered, and still in Iowa, kept me updated on how my perceptions of Iowa should have changed.

"You think we are all dumb hicks, chewing on hay and wearing straw hats."

I did? That's what I thought?

"But that's okay," my 11 year old cousin would add. "Because we think you are snobby Mayflower pilgrims."

I have never been ashamed of my Iowa roots. And I have never thought of my cousins as hicks. In fact, I always felt like they were far more stylish and knowledgeable than me. When their 4H projects won awards and they suddenly owned a week's worth of Z. Cavariccis, I was pretty firmly convinced that I was missing out.

I should clarify my earlier statement. I was never ashamed of my Iowa roots until 2016, when Iowa went red in the national election. My uncle said, "You just don't understand how badly people want change."

In December 2016, I was still disappointed enough that I skipped sending out Christmas/New Years cards to my Midwest relatives. I skipped again in 2017 and 2018. In 2019, I sent some cards.

There's a lot of reasons I'm not blogging very much lately, and the political situation is certainly one of them. I'm so discouraged by what I see; I don't like to be political; and yet I'm so horrified  that I can't NOT say something when given access to a public forum. This is not a version of myself that I like, and it's not a place that I'm comfortable to be. I don't want to fight with anybody, actually. But I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE'S VALUES HAVE SUNK SO LOW THAT THIS LEADERSHIP AND THEIR ACTIONS ARE ACCEPTABLE. THESE ARE NOT AMERICANS THAT I KNOW. Also: Iowa's caucus debacle is fresh in my mind, adding insult to injury.

Primary season, in general, frequently leaves me disappointed. I look for candidates who clearly articulate a VISION that I agree with. Then I want to know if that candidate can back it up. Its strange how little Vision we get during the primaries. Is that because we only have two parties and the candidates in the primaries are expected to adhere to the generally accepted party's Vision? In 2016, I liked Bernie Sanders because of his Vision. I think he's still got Vision. But after 4 years of watching him, I'm a little less convinced that he's got the support and the roadmaps he'll need to make his Vision happen. I like Elizabeth Warren's plans, but I worry that her Vision is basically to get rid of money in politics. It feels a little reactive, not proactive. I liked Pete Buttigieg a few months ago; lately I'm worried that his positions are more about crowd-pleasing and less about his Vision. I actually have no idea what his Vision is. And I have no idea if he can back it up...although I DO trust him to surround himself with really smart people - who will definitely have experience - but who may or may not support his undefined Vision. Amy Klobuchar got in that really great spiel about FDR and "I know you" at the New Hampshire debate. It was brilliant and Vision defining, we shall see if it continues and develops. One great spiel isn't enough yet for me to vote for her. I can't really take any of the other candidates seriously: not Biden (riding on Obama's coat tails, and otherwise with a track record that I find a little suspect), not Steyer (with no government experience), and not Bloomberg (although I very much appreciate Everytown and his humorous ads.)

After primary season, Visions seem to be more clearly articulated. Two major candidates make for more contrast and an easier decision about who to support. This primary season, which is looking like it will be long, is yet another unresolved and upsetting phase in the already disturbing spectacle of the last four years. I'm trying to be optimistic: the process will yield the best candidate! But I'm not so sure that's a reality that has played out in the past.

Summer Groove

The kids started summer vacation last week. It was a wobbly start, as is often the case. You know, it just takes time for everyone to get into the new groove of summer. The kids are used to a schedule, and without – or at least, with a much looser schedule – they seem a little lost. I have faith that they will figure it out; they always have in the past. In the meantime, the transition is shaky. They are constantly asking me about something or for something. It's pretty much an interruption every 2 minutes. It makes me miss having boring job in a dull, quiet office. Although, I didn't get to watch them do funny things like make this "neighborhood" complete with mailboxes, mullioned windows, and flower boxes when I was at a boing office job all day:

We've had some unseasonably cold temperatures here. Added together the kids' desire to SWIM (because it is summer, after all), several of us have ended up with colds. This week we are taking things very easy. Easy means watching television. But Easy gives me a chance to get caught up on some lingering work projects. I've been hesitant about taking on too many projects this summer, since we no longer have an au pair and there aren't many camps on the schedule. I guess my new reality as self-employed will be this: I will worry about having work, I will be worried about not having work.

We are doing a fair amount of travel this summer. I'm looking forward to being somewhere else for an extended period. I've done a lot of two-and-three days trips in the last couple of years. But it will be nice to be away for longer. We also have some guests coming, including Fritz's mom, who will stay for two weeks.

I'm also forcing myself back into a regular exercise schedule; it's been lacking from my life for essentially 12 years now. I think my 2 year stint as an office worker didn't help at all. As a stay-at-home parent, one spends more time doing physical activity. Sitting in an office was really a radical change. Working at home for the past 3 months has been a welcome blend of intellectual work and physical activity, but I'm still happy to be getting an official hour-long workout each day. I think this change is really possible – finally! – because the kids are old enough that they sleep through the nights and sleep-in in the morning. That only took 12 years... Oh! AND I'm no longer scrambling to make it to an office by 8 am.

Reset

I really miss coming here to blog – lately, there's only, like, 2 people still reading, so even though blogging is cathartic, it is also hard to motivate myself to do it.

The farther behind I get in updating on all of life's blog-worthy events, the more difficult it is to just lightly jump back in.

This month, one of my good friends – a mentor, like-a-big brother – committed suicide. That has been hard. You know all the intellectual stuff where you say that there is nothing you could have done, he was suffering from depression (and had been for a long time), it was a disease, etc. But even if you know this intellectually, you STILL think all those thoughts and wrestle with your own part in the end.

My part in his last two years is that we had become closer than previously. We spent a lot of time talking about work and architecture - and in retrospect, maybe I was just trying to distract him from telling me one more time about how depressed he felt, or how he was thinking about killing himself, or reading the most recent article about the best new depression/bipolar drug/treatment/therapy. All the depression talk: it was a lot. It began to normalize. Yes, yes, you are feeling depressed. How about this house? Do you like it? Good design? Nice detailing? Or ugly? Whattayathink?

I don't have answers. His family wanted answers from me, because we were close in the last few months. What was it? What was the thing that did this? I couldn't answer them, standing in his living room, wearing the stick-on mustache that his five year old son gave me before the funeral. But the thing was something: it was mental illness; it was depression. The thing, actually, felt a lot like 5 years ago when my uncle died of Lymphoma. It marched onward, without regard to all the various interventions. It was relentless. The disease became a part of life so integrated in the everyday that it was hard to know what was the disease and what was the person.

There's no neat, tidy package to wrap up my feelings or the feelings of his other friends and his family or even society's feelings. Life's so messy sometimes – which is all the more reason to step back and really think about how to live our life as thoughtfully as possible.That is where I'm left: Am I doing right by others? Am I the me I should be? How can I appreciate and prioritize who I am and where I am?