Babyhood

The other day I was standing in line to buy coffee and holding Mattias on my hip. The stranger in front of me smiled and said, "I miss that. I miss what it feels like to hold a baby on my hip."

And I knew, immediately, that I, too, will miss this stage when it's over. I can already imagine the phantom baby and haunting muscle memory. Yet, I hope that I remember how exhausting it can be. Because in the midst of Babyhood at its most intense - you don't even have a chance to sit down and think about the exhaustion or the demands as clearly as I am now. In those times, this kind of reflection is an unaffordable - even inadvisable - luxury.

The last two months or so, I feel like I'm seeing glimmers of the end of babyhood. They are becoming more frequent. Today, Mattias made me take off his diaper so that he could use the potty.  Two hours later, he tore the babygate off its hinges. Somehow he mangled the babygate plastic in a way that makes it completely irreparable. But then later, he wanted me to hold him while I cooked supper; he wanted to eat his dinner on my lap; he wanted me to hold him while I loaded the dishwasher; he wanted to nurse.

(removed: super cute photo of Mattias sitting on his child-sized potty)

Officially, Mattias hasn't been a baby in almost 8 months (he's 20 months old). But unofficially, we've still got trademarks of babyhood around here. To me, those trademarks are as follows: waking up during the night, nursing, diaper wearing, and teething.  I believe all these things are connected: and I believe that I could push Mattias out of babyhood by, say, weaning him which would probably result in sleeping through the night. He's only got two molars left to break through; and if I had the motivation, he could probably ditch the diaper.

I'm mostly glad that we're here at this point. I don't relish this baby stuff. In fact, I pretty much dislike it. (Am I allowed to say that I dislike babyhood?) Maybe that comes as a surprise given the extended nursing and ongoing nighttime comforting. I mean: even I think I sound crazy. I hear the voices of my mother and my aunt: Why not wean him? Why not let him cry at night? If he can use the potty - then, for Pete's sake, take off the diaper and have him use the potty, Ann. He's old enough; and you sound like you are ready.


But there is this voice in my head when it comes to my children. I'm not really sure if it is a Mommy voice, or just a Stubborn Me voice. Is it a voice that is trying to validate my stay-at-homeness by keeping the toddler a baby? Is it a lazy voice? In fact, it might be a different voice for each trademark of babyhood. Regardless: it has this incredible influence over my actions. It says, wait. Slow down. You don't think you can do it, but you can, you will. Just a little bit longer. You'll do it for him. You can do it. You can. 

Then I let Mattias be a baby a little bit longer.

And I feel rather amazed that every time the voice asks me to do a little bit more or to wait a little bit longer, I do and I can.

I have confidence that Mattias will outgrow the nursing, the nightwaking, and, of course, the teething, all by himself. That's the nice thing about the second child - you've been through it before - you doubt a lot less. And these days, I also have hard evidence that the end is near. Relief. Milestones can be about waiting, if I let them be. If I want.*

But do I want?

There's always the intellectual counter argument in my head. It comes from reading about women subverting themselves, their dreams, and their careers for others. I observe Fritz with Mattias, just as I did with Noah, and as much as we are partners in this whole parenting thing, we are NOT equals in regards to care during babyhood. I worry about what I have 'subverted.' I try to pick it apart and make it into something quantifiable: I spend X amount of time doing Y with Mattias. Fritz spends X amount of time doing Z with Mattias. Therefore, we are equal. I think? Or not. Somehow, the equations don't work with Mattias' babyhood as neatly as they work with Noah's preschooler-hood. (And it's not just Mattias - because, actually, he's my easy baby. Noah was more difficult.) I feel like the maternal burden is heavier during babyhood, but it is difficult to quantify. So why the waiting? Why prolong it? Just make it over with, right?

I also think, if my children were closer together in age, they wouldn't get this extended time to be babies. I am sure of this. I would end their babyhood out of necessity and practicality.

I am indulging them. I am.

I pause to consider the consequences, good and bad. I think about talking credit for the good and pinpointing the bad on poor parental decisions. But that's overly simple, like attempting to quantify  equal parental responsibility during babyhood. It's just not a good path to follow.

This morning, Mattias (maddeningly) fell asleep in the car seat, after dropping Noah off at school. It was before 9 am. I sighed. He should not nap at 9 am!

I decided to indulge him, once again. Let him sleep, I would make alternate plans. What errands could I run with a sleeping toddlerbaby?

I drove to the coffee shop with a drive thru and called my aunt. I don't normally use my cell phone when driving, but the coffee shop drive thru seemed like an acceptable place to break my own rule given my derailed plans for the morning. Maybe I could borrow some pots for planting tulip bulbs? Could I swing by and pick them up now?

I pulled forward to pay for my chai, and the cashier gave me a strange look.

"The person in front of you paid for your drink," he told me.

"Oh!" I said, smiling brightly. An illogical kindness. An opportunity. "Well, then, I'll pay for the person behind me."

He looked at me like I was crazy. Come now, I thought, is it really so wrong to indulge another person?

(Thank you, strangers.)


* I pushed Noah on the potty training; it took four solid months at age 2. He turned out just fine. I haven't decided which way to go with Mattias.

Four for Four

My mother always says that if she wants to know what I'm doing, she talks to me on the phone. If she wants to know what I'm thinking, she reads my blog. But the last four days? I'm doing almost nothing and thinking very little.

We had turkey on Thursday, just the four of us. We cleaned up Friday morning. And then Fritz and I looked at each other and said,

"Wow. We still have 2 and half more days."

I'm not sure I can ever remember such a low key, stress-free Thanksgiving. We forgot to make the stuffing. Nobody missed it.

Noah wasn't so sure about our Thanksgiving. He asked me several times if we could invite some people over. He was a little disappointed by just-the-four-of-us.

But I feel ready to get back to the craziness of the Holiday Season. Not anxious-ready. Just prepared and well-rested-ready. It makes me think: what if every long Thanksgiving Weekend was like this? What if I always felt rejuvenated and well-rested afterward?

I guess I am thinking: but just a little bit.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Black Friday is one of Fritz's favorite American Holidays. We celebrate it by making fun of the newspapers and television news reports, with their predictable Shopping-Was-Crazy! Reports. And we (thankfully!) stay the heck home.

Like Jenna at Clueless but Hopeful Mama, I am not a good shopper. I'm easily overwhelmed by large stores and large crowds. And, STRANGELY, stores never have the items that I designed IN MY HEAD and DREW on a paper napkin. I like the internet much better where I can enter my criteria like: "38 inch round walnut veneer exposed edge coffee table 15 inch hairpin legs." A google image search is almost as good as a paper napkin.

Unfortunately, this kind of specificity does me no good at the beginning stages of gift buying. You know the stage where you just need an idea? So, let me give you some ideas from our house. These are things that I find so brilliant, I'm pretty sure I'd never draw them up on a napkin by myself, in spite of seven years in the university honing my designing, critiquing and editing abilities. (Yeah, the working as an architect part? Totally unhelpful.) Also, we already own them, love them and use them regularly: unlike this year's gift lists, which are still undecided in terms of their success.

Finally, I'm not paid or affiliated or whatever various versions of compensation are out there. Links are to manufacturers, although most of the stuff is available through The Major Online Retailer. You know who it is and it knows who we are, because apparently, it owns the internet. (Credit Wired Magazine for that insight this month.)

Leifheit Cherry Pitter about $15
Fritz bought this while we were living in Germany. It doubles as an olive pitter, but the great thing about this model and brand, particularly for cherries, is the slot-in-the-cup part. That slot is for the cherry stem. (Cherries are out of season, so I used a threaded bead in the photo above.) It saves you the hassle of threading the stem through a hole, thus making it better than, say, Oxo's version of this same tool. AND if the stem is already in the correct location, the pit and the stem are removed in one nice, neat, CLEAN press. Not really recommended as a toy, despite my toddler model above.

Oxo Jar Opener about $10
I've had bad luck with the rubber grabby mats when it comes to opening jars. But this device? Hello, torque; thank you, lever! Never fails me. I wish I owned it back in the day when I lived alone. We inherited a similar version from Fritz's grandmother, which I lost in the transcontinental move and replaced with this one. They were/are equally good. Key here is: Lever –> Torque –> Open jar lid. Throw the stupid germ-attracting, rubber thing-a-majigs away.

Bosch Multi X $100+
This is the perfect gift for someone who is a little handy and interested in home repairs. How to describe? Essentially, this is a saw: a saw that is especially capable of cutting in difficult and hard to reach places. Or, just use it for cutting anything can't be cut with a scissors or knife. We use ours ALL THE TIME. This year: I've use it to cut dowels and sun shades, to cut off stripped screws, and to cut little nothes in landscape timbers. The soapstone counter installers (very UNprofessionally) used it to cut a bit of soapstone. Fritz has used it to remove the back splashes in our original kitchen, to cut some pieces on Noah's desk, and to cut the irrigation lines in the garden. It cuts anything, almost anywhere with very minimal fuss. It's a newer tool, most people don't own one yet - but they should! It's battery operated, which is also a plus for ease of use. Before owning it, we said, "Why do we need that?" After three months we said, "How did we ever live without it?" Admittedly, we're wanna-be handy-type, fix-it-ourselves-folks. (We might need some new blades soon. Hint, hint.)

Plan Toys Sorting Cone and Plan Toys Balancing Cactus about $20 each
I love beautiful toys. Plan Toys is my favorite beautiful toy company. Expensive, but high quality. These are two of my favorites, because they are not just beautiful, they are clever re-interpretations of classic toys. The Sorting Cone is geared towards younger children, less than 3 years old. Hollow cylinders stack inside each other; tapered rings stack atop one another; the whole thing interlocks in a 3D jigsaw puzzle. Or make a tower like I did above. The Balancing Cactus is more game-like for those above 3 years as it easily unbalances and topples over while you add pieces. I leave it on the coffee table (that I hope to replace) as an interactive sculptural piece for all ages (I mean, for above 3 years. Okay, fine: 12 months. Confession: I don't really sweat the choking hazard warning).

Fabric Balloon Cover about $7-$10
Finally, fabric balloon covers are a great gift for younger kids. We got our first one as a gift in Germany, when Noah was about one, and we are still playing with it. It's a simple idea, really: cover a balloon in fabric and it's more durable and 'safer' but still maintains many balloon-like qualities. (As you can see in the photo, my boys are kicking it around indoors. I'm okay with this on particularly bad winter days - but it's a borderline activity - even if it is a slow, soft ball....) It's perfect for traveling or moving, because you can pop the balloon for flat storage of the cover and inflate a new balloon at your destination. Ours is made by Der Lutzmatz in Germany. But I like that this is a gift you can also find on Etsy. I've no connection to the above-linked seller, but I do think her black and white version looks great.

Now, go read Jenna's list here for some more ideas. And please share: what items do you have in your house that you love?