Thursday, April 13, 2017
I'm feeling really edgy and nervous lately about the fact that I have not yet found a job. On the one hand, you could say that I have only been looking for a month.
On the other hand, I've put years of effort into getting to this place in time where there's enough elbow room that I could apply for a job and feel that if offered a job, I could follow through on my part of the (job) commitment. For so many years, we lived on a shoestring/tightrope/balancing act whereby I felt like I had no room, just. no. room. to pursue anything other than holding up everyone else in the family. For almost 10 years, if I wanted to make a doctor's appointment, or get my hair cut, or even go to the bathroom, without taking along a child, I had to coordinate with Fritz - or somebody else - before I could. During this period, even finding the time to write a resume and have a job interview felt like an overwhelming prospect. If I backed away from the household stuff, even just a little bit, there was nobody and no thing to catch the huge Wyse family infrastructure that I was singlehandedly supporting. I can hear my parents, in Rhode Island, claiming this this isn't true – they would surely help us if I fell. But I remind you, Rhode Island is 2000+ miles away. And Fritz's family is even further away in Germany. And I'm a bit of a loner. As sweet as many of my friends are, they are not particularly close friends. And I think their ability to help is really limited by their own familial obligations. For me, there have been years and years of feeling like I'm living on the blade of a knife.
I knew that if I wanted to go back to work, I needed help. Substantial help. I had to convince myself that I wasn't being weak. Every full time working mother that I know has nearby family and daycares or nannies. And most of these mothers don't have (as many as) three children. In this way, I think that our au pair, Lucy, was and is the right way to go: she provides a genuine flexibility that other child care options don't. But now, I'm paying her. And I really, really would like to find a job. I would not like to wait another 10 days, frankly.
There's this nagging voice...this part of me that wonders if I couldn't have waited another year until Trixie was in school for full days. But I had this strong instinct that the economy was strong and NOW, not in a year, but NOW was the time to make the jump. I don't know. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should just send Lucy home and wait longer. Or maybe this job thing will never happen and I'll be one of those 50 year old women wondering what to do with my life now that my children have left home. Or daydreaming about how much I loved having toddlers. (Ha!) I don't want to be that person. I really don't.