Friday, January 18, 2013

Transition

I might win the Most Grumpy, Self-Absorbed Pregnant Woman of the Year Award. I've taken to reclusion in efforts not to infect anybody else with my mood. I promise that I was not like this with the first two pregnancies - I was the obnoxiously happy pregnant woman twice. (And BTW, I can ONLY use the descriptor "obnoxiously happy" because I'm clearly not that woman this time.) No, pregnancy can be fun! Someday soon, I might reclaim the fun. We'll see.

You know what's not fun? Gaining so much weight. (Feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.) WHY do I have to grow another chin as well as a baby?  I especially dislike it. For some reason – probably because I see it every time I look in a mirror – it bothers me the most, even though it is probably the least mass added anywhere in terms of pure numbers. Also annoying? Sciatic nerve pain. Mine's not terribly bad as long as I keep moving around and switching shoes and doing exercises and so on. But still, ouch! Overall, I just feel like most of my body is atrophying this time around. It's not pleasant. I can't believe I still have over 3 months to go. UGH.

Yesterday I crawled around on the floor extracting legos from underneath the sofa. And it occurred to me, that as gigantic and big as I think I already am, I must not be that big. At some point in my pregnancy with Mattias, I stopped being able to reach toys hiding under the sofa. So, after I lifted myself off the floor, I informed my (three) boys that I wouldn't be able to rescue sofa-hidden legos from vacuuming death much longer. The vacuum attachment fits much better under the sofa than my arm-attached-to-my-pregnant-body. The boys better figure out how to crawl around on the floor themselves. It seems they DO know how to do this because I stitched three knee patches onto pants in the past week. Or maybe they need to just stop placing the legos under the sofa. How does that happen, anyway? Are legos kicked under there? The boys just stared at me when I snapped. Clearly, I've failed in educating all three of them.

Surely, some of my grumpiness is hormones. But some of it is just fall-out from the last seven months. I have no idea how to blog about these Big (Bad) Things in my life right now. Some stories feel like they are not mine to tell; some would threaten the relative anonymity of this blog. Sometimes I think I'm still busy processing what's happened; I couldn't write about the Big Things even if I wanted to. Sometimes I think that I'm just afraid of how my emotions will come pouring forth, raw and unfiltered and ANGRY. Sometimes I think that I can just focus on the Small (Good) Things – I can post about the Small Things.

There's something really genuine feeling about my favorite blogs. I want to be genuine, too. But it's scary. It's scary to be completely honest about your feelings. And if I take the easier route: well, then, every time I sit down to type about Small (Good) Things, it feels false because my head is really full of Big (Bad) Things.

Most recently, I've been thinking that instead of feeling like I can NEVER post about such-and-such, I'll just think of it as, I'm not ready to post about it YET. Maybe things can just come out slowly over time if I can just be patient with myself. That makes me feel less tongue-tied and false. I think it does, anyway.

Also, it occurs to me that maybe I just need to set a goal for myself. Like posting every other day. I mean, there's value in that, right? I'm pretty sure I don't believe in the theory that every blog post should be a work of finished work of art. That's not why I like blogs at all. For polished work, we can get some books from the library, right? So, here we go: another post in 2 days - shall I talk some more about minivans? Hmmm...

7 comments:

Katie said...

If polished were a requirement for publishing on my blog I'd be thrown off the Web! ;) Wishing you lots of these sunny warm winter days and much rest these last few months of your pregnancy.

Swistle said...

I do think it works to post in retrospect. "I USED to feel this way" is so much less scary (to write and to read) than "I CURRENTLY feel this way."

Therese said...

I think it's a shame to have an anonymous blog where you don't feel secure to hash out your pain. Maybe start another one to let some pressure off? I found this one randomly, and I like it a lot. Sorry about the pregnancy. I hate pregnancy too. For different reasons, but still.

Simply Bike said...

I can completely understand the double chin thing. I grow mine about two days into being pregnant and it remains with me the entire nine months and then another 3-4 after giving birth. Ugh.

Hang in there, you are getting so close to the end of this!

As for writing about the "Big Things" I can understand how hard it is. It's always such a delicate balance between wanting to be authentic and to write as catharsis and needing to protect the privacy about others involved. Sometimes drafting different versions of a post can help with that: you get to experiment with different ways of writing about something and different levels of disclosure and then can just save those drafts to maybe publish but maybe not. That seems to work for me anyway.

Thinking of you and wishing you as many discomfort free pregnancy days as possible!

twisterfish said...

I've written some blog posts about Big Things and it felt great to write it all out and get it all out there. But I didn't post any of them. I saved all those posts on my computer, in case I ever change my mind or want to read them later.

I think that being pregnant allows you to be grumpy and self-absorbed. At least that's what I convinced myself during each of my 3 pregnancies.

Pregnantly Plump said...

Here's a really random thought, but I've decided that I love furniture that's not on legs. The kind where the whole piece rests on the floor. That way, there are no dust bunnies, random toys, or nursing pads to be dug out from under them. How much time could be saved?
I'm sorry about the grumpies. I do understand them. I was bigger with my last pregnancy, but I was never the super-happy pregnant person with any of them.

Anonymous said...

Some get grumpy, others get depressed. I think it can be hard to enjoy being pregnant if it was not really planned. It is okay to be able to be grumpy, it seems like a way to vent your feelings.
And isn't grumpyness also a way of self-protection, an early sign of: hey, things are getting too much for me?
It took me several months to accept my last pregnancy with all its inconveniences that came with it, I could hardly show a happy face when somebody commented on my belly...
There is a time for everything and nobody can tell you when you need to feel a certain way. Maybe starting to think of a surprise baby as a 'bonus child' as helped me to turn the corner.